The funny thing about brains

The funny thing about brains is that they don't want you to know that you can control the way they think sometimes. They take you down a path you think you want to go, or that you think you have to go and you feel an emotion as a result. I don't know if you feel the emotion first and then it goes down this path or vice versa. If you saw the movie "What the Bleep Do we Know" you will remember the party scene where they talk about messages going along the neurotransmitter pathways that are already there (some made by a sad thought some time in the past) and that to retrain your brain and to build new pathways you have to consciously think new thoughts, sometimes in the form of affirmations, to change habits your brain might be in. Yes, your brain has a mind of its own. Or at least it is prepared to run on autopilot unless you consciously decide to do otherwise with it.

I believe this is where I find myself. I know this because I have dealt with this before, but the brain is very sneaky and allows you to forget that you can CHOOSE to think other things (it is lazy and doesn't want to work). Although I came up with this re-realization yesterday, my sister lovingly reminded me again this morning in her comment about not dwelling on the hole. I love what she said about looking in the hole from the top and saying later "What the hell was I doing down there?" So, be patient with people who are in their deep, dark holes, and lovingly remind them of all the positive things in their life and remind them they have options (the brain wants you to forget that as well sometimes). I have a note on my mirror that says "Always look on the bright side of life". I just have to remember that even though my brain wants me to forget there is a bright side, there is one there. I have to search hard for it sometimes, but it is worth the effort.

Everything is going to be alright.
Jimmy Eat World said it perfectly just for me yesterday and I quote him (or the group) here:

The Middle
Written by by Jimmy Eat World

Hey, don't write yourself off yet
It's only in your head
You feel left out or looked down on
Just try your best, try everything you can
And don't you worry what they tell themselves
When you're away

It just takes some time, little girl
You're in the middle of the ride
Everything, everything will be just fine
Everything, everything will be all right, all right

Hey, you know they're all the same
You know you're doing better on your own
So don't buy in, live right now
Yeah, just be yourself
It doesn't matter if that's good enough for someone else

It just takes some time, little girl
You're in the middle of the ride
Everything, everything will be just fine
Everything, everything will be all right, all right

It just takes some time, little girl
You're in the middle of the ride
Everything, everything will be just fine
Everything, everything will be all right, all right

Hey, don't write yourself off yet
It's only in your head
You feel left out or looked down on
Just do your best, do everything you can
And don't you worry what the bitter hearts are gonna say

It just takes some time, little girl
You're in the middle of the ride
Everything, everything will be just fine
Everything, everything will be all right, all right

It just takes some time, little girl
You're in the middle of the ride
Everything, everything will be just fine
Everything, everything will be all right, all right

This is not my video, so you don't have to leave me a message letting me know what you think about the song like it says on the screen. This is just so you can hear it. I didn't want to use the MTV video as it has people dancing around in their underwear.

Sometimes it gets so dark

I have felt some really deep, extremely dark sadness periodically over the last few weeks. Do you know how that feels? To cry so often and so long and so loudly that you feel like you have to die in order to stop it? Have you ever said "I've had enough. I'm ready to move on," and then considered how you could accomplish "moving on"? Well, I have.

It is a very unpleasant place to be. A very lonely place to be. A scary place to be.

You feel like a loser just because you feel this sad. You feel like nobody would want to be around you at a time when you possibly need company the most. Company that will not make you feel worse for feeling bad in the first place. Company that will not say, "Just snap out of it!" Company that will not say, "You know what you need? You need blah blah blah...." Company that will just hold you and say, "I'm sorry you are sad. Everything will be ok. Hang in there." Company that will not abandon you just because you happen to be sad occasionally. Company that will not abandon you because you wanted to fix your house. Company that sees that you are working so hard to do the right things, to say the right things, to feel the right things, to know the right things, to be the right thing. Company that recognizes that you still make mistakes and forgives you for them and keeps on loving you.

People tell you that you are not a loser. That you are a wonderful person. But it doesn't mean a thing. They are not the ones you want to hear it from. Sorry, but true. Now logically I THINK I know this is wrong. But when you get to feeling this way logic is left behind.

I hate that cliche phrase, "I'm a glass-is-half-full person" that people say on their profiles quite often. Lah dee dah! Aren't YOU special? (church lady voice)

BUT, it is more pleasant to be that way. It is more pleasant, not necessarily more easy, but more pleasant to think like that. My counselor worded it this way to me one time: Why make yourself miserable by thinking negatively. Force yourself to think of a positive so that you feel better. In my words: FIGHT THE DEFAULT MODE YOU FIND YOURSELF IN! I just have to remember to do that. You wouldn't think it would be that hard, but it is.

Did you know the strongest people in the world are the people who feel like their only option to feeling better is death, and they choose to live instead? They are either strong or they are masochists (did I use the correct word?).

I was feeling pretty darn sad earlier today. But I picked a booger off a little girl's shirt and we laughed and I feel a teeny bit better. I sat and pondered for about 5 minutes all alone and realized I can get through this. I have to do it without meds 'cause I have no insurance or money, but I can do it because I know that I am supposed to and I almost always do what I am supposed to do. I'm just that way.

I apologize for making anyone else miserable while I sort things out. Just hang in there. Everything will be OK.

Meditation

I wound up reading some blogs last night instead of going on to bed. And I did my meditating lying down in the bed in the dark and fell asleep.

I had a good day and a not so good day today. I had a leisurely morning. Called in sick to work (sort of). Mental health day is what I needed. Helped a relative. Did birthday shopping, talked to my sis on the phone while I was shopping for her present, framed a watercolor for another friend who helped me a while back and then I packaged it for shipping, had lunch with a friend, wrapped a birthday present, went to the surprise 40th birthday party at TGIF for Mary, drove my aunt home, came home briefly before going to a play with Lee and Hunter, where we met up with Lee's girlfriend and her son.
Yes. You heard right. This is the part where it starts being a not so good day. Listened to Lee praise attributes of his girlfriend while we were driving out to Christ School. My options, though, were to stay at home alone where I would have cried about being home alone, or going along and seeing him with her. I did not expect that he would be saying nice things about her to me on the trip. He said a nice thing about me, too, when he realized what he had done.

I am here now with Hunter, though, while he sews the vinyl version of the vest. We are listening to Hunter's Jango stations. I thought I was going to write a poem about pain, but I decided to blog instead for now. Maybe later I will be able to put my thoughts into poem form.
Or maybe I'll just try to think about something else instead. Get off of the "pain" track.

Sad songs they say soo much (that's the song playing at the moment--Elton John).

later.....

The artists way

That's a book I haven't read. Someone was telling me about it tonight. The author says to write 3 pages every morning (or sometime during the day) just to keep writer's block from occurring. I got all depressed just hearing about that knowing that it would take me over an hour probably to write that much and I don't have an hour every day just to write. I mean it. I did get to watch my favorite TV show tonight though (an hour). And I thought I would try to write some, though not three pages, even though I really need to brush my teeth, pray and go to sleep so that I can get up early enough tomorrow to get some things done before working at noon for a few hours. It's another weekend of only having one full day off. Yay!

I said I was going to try to be more optimistic, so I better work on that. To get that started I think I will end this post and get ready for bed. I would rather spend 20 extra minutes meditating rather than writing nonsense.

Popcorn is GOOD! Smells so corny when it is popping. Crunches so nicely between the molars....mmmmmm........salty......lick my fingers clean!

Ok, that's my small attempt at creative writing for the time being. Good thing I don't have to do that for a living....

Hunter is custom making a vest for a friend for her Halloween costume. He has already made (as in found and bought the materials and sewn them up) an Indiana Jones bag to go with his own costume. He LOVES making things. Always has, in fact, watching him make the miniature paper version of what he plans to make out of vinyl reminds me of when he was a youngster and would spend time cutting and taping paper together into the most unusual items; a toolbox with tools, etc.

He was doing geometry even back then before he knew what it was. He is a left-brained introvert and he amazes me with his perseverance in these creative pursuits. I have been known to be like that when I was inspired. Like when I made theme birthday cakes for my kids (ghostbusters, or pound puppies, candy land or pirates,) and like when I painted designs on a t-shirt for them for their birthday beginning with a strawberry explosion from the book Jamberry for Ian's 2nd birthday. Man, those were the days! I loved having time to do those things. I miss that.

I was blessed to be able to do that. I know that.

Now I want to buy a $2600 1979 RV and go traveling across the country.....but I don't like driving.....hmmmmm..... who likes to drive?

All I have to do is sell my condo and all its contents and use that money to travel on.
It's a thought. And when I run out of money I will hook up to a camp ground and sell my body to buy groceries and camp space........Just kidding of course........I would steal the groceries.

Nothing to say

It is strange to think that I feel like I have nothing to say. Yet, I am writing anyway. I am envious of Mary having 4 days off in a row. Though I don't work 12 hour days or even more than 3 eight hour days a week, I do have some work almost every day even if just a few hours. And I haven't had a week off in years or at least it feels that way. As opposed to not having a job at all I can't complain though. I have missed my last two watercolor classes. Week before last it was because I was headed over there after work and as I was driving out of the parking lot here I suddenly just felt so exhausted that the thought of arriving in class late and setting up in the middle of everybody already being there and the teacher in the middle of a lesson, just made me turn around and come right back. (It was an introvert moment).

Then, this past Monday I was feeling about the same, but I went over there anyway and got into the class (there were no tables left, though I was invited to share one with someone, but the lesson was a still life where tedious drawing was going to be involved and I just couldn't mentally handle it (felt like I would burst out crying in the middle of class) so I just picked up my stuff and came home.

Going to counseling right after work is one thing, but having to do something difficult after a long day at work and no time for dinner before just isn't a good combination for me.

Then, last night I realized I had a credit card bill that was due that day and it took me an hour to get it paid and sorted out (from 11pm to midnight) so that I didn't incur a late fee. Long story about setting up an online acct to pay it and having difficulties because I was using Mozilla instead of Internet "Exposure" as the Indian tech called it at first. That was part of the problem too...automated systems and not being able to talk to a live person...HUGE PET PEEVE of mine.

Broke down and cried during THAT procedure....Hunter took pity on me (that or he was in a hurry to get online himself) and helped me a little.

Today, Friday checked my email and discovered I had missed my haircut appt yesterday. I am so scattered! I can't keep anything straight anymore! Well, things at work, yes, but things at home?....I am just so tired at the end of a day (mostly mentally) that I just don't want to do more business or work.

I miss having someone to share the load.....
And it seems when I do get someone interested in me they are not helpful at all but needy and I just don't have it to give (even to myself).

I missed calling Dad on his birthday...So sorry Dad! I did think of you, but couldn't call right then and then spaced it out. Not really like me to be so spacey. I need more R&R.

Feeling like withdrawing again. I talked to a friend who is a marriage and family therapist for two hours on Sunday (Jackie Hicks Najafian says hi to Mary and Bonnie!) and it was helpful in a lot of ways. She says it sounds like I still have much healing to do. I think I agree. Though I don't remember EVER feeling like I've had my act together, I hope that one day I will. It is a process (yes, everyone says "that's life!" but it is harder for some people than others simply because of their wiring). Every once in a while I don't feel like life is a huge struggle, but most days it is difficult to pull myself out of bed to take care of another family to keep their life running smoothly when I don't have the energy after that to even relax.

In about an hour I will be going to the high school to pick up Chase (missing the one show I look forward to watching, literally). I enjoyed watching him march and dance tonight at the pregame ceremonies for the homecoming game. I feel such immense pride for his accomplishments and such admiration for his character. All my kids are most excellent human beings.

Now, if I could just see as much positive in myself as I do them.....