Tired all the time

Seems like all I ever am is tired. By the time I have a second to do something fun or creative I am too tired. All my energy is expended at the work place and then I am ready to crash. No fun :(

AND boring to write about.

This is why I don't blog much anymore.

Dusty

My furniture is dusty. But not as dusty as it would be if the twin towers on 9-11 had collapsed near me.

It is all relative isn't it?

I'm brushing my teeth as I type. I'm so sleepy I feel like brushing my teeth with my eyes closed, but I'm still brushing my teeth and typing, too...so I could be sleepier.

OK, this is ridiculous. I need to go to bed...

A Patch of Blue

I have been very interested in Sidney Poitier lately. In his movies and in his life. He is a remarkable man. I am glad I am able to state that in the present tense because who knows how much longer we can do that since he is 84 now?

I am in the middle of his book, "The Measure of a Man" and find myself in such admiration of him. He is not a perfect person by any means, but he is a good and decent human being by all I can see. A strong, insightful, articulate person who has overcome a lot in his life. Many people have to deal with adversity in some form or another, so he is an inspiration to me even though my adversities will not be the same as his.

The characters he played in "A Patch of Blue" and "To Sir with Love" were very attractive to me and got me interested in reading his spiritual autobiography.

I am looking forward to seeing many more of his 30+ movies.

if self centeredness is the root of depression, how are there so many people who are self-centered who are totally happy? There has got to be more to depression than ego. It is not that simple. How can it be?

Borrowed things

Borrowed from my cousins blog from about 2 years ago---
Sustainability:
The ability to provide for the needs of the world's current population without damaging the ability of future generations to provide for themselves. When a process is sustainable, it can be carried out over and over without negative environmental effects or impossibly high costs to anyone involved.

(definition taken from http://www.sustainabletable.org/intro/dictionary/#s)

Borrowed from a blog my cousin is following---
"Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will." Romans 12:2

And though I feel it was said hypocritically on her blog, another borrowed phrase from a different cousin, "Be nice."

Ego and Depression

This morning I was continuing my "feel sorry for myself" state that I was in last night. I was thinking that I don't want to be self-centered and I was a little upset that knowing this, God had not taken that trait away from me. Then I thought, maybe there is a link between seratonin and thinking of others as opposed to oneself. So I began googling. I wondered which comes first, lack of seratonin making one more self-centered, or does self-centeredness cause the depression and loss of seratonin....hmmmm......I couldn't find any scientific articles I could understand but I found this Buddhist page which I found very interesting.

The following exerpts came from this website: http://viewonbuddhism.org/depression.html

The following message appeared in a Buddhist discussion forum, where self-centeredness was discussed as a possible important factor in depression:

"Having myself experienced extreme, regularly to the point of suicidal, depression, I think I can understand your point of view at least to a certain extent. But on the notion of self-centredness, I'm afraid I have to agree. From my own experience, coming through a massive clinical depression and coming through to the other end, cured, I believe self-centredness to be the very cause of depression. And not just depression, but every ailment in the world as we know it. The irony is, I can only see this NOW, with hindsight, looking back at my mindstate when I was depressed: "ego all the way, me me me, MY problems, MY depression, MY past, MY MY MY MY..." That very self-absorbed, self-centred fascination with my own ego and its agenda mindstate is exactly what kept me trapped in that depression for so long. It's only when I started to consider that maybe -- just maybe -- as one of the 6 BILLION people on this planet, other people had problems FAR WORSE than mine, that the clouds began to part. And when I realised that I was being very selfish and WASTING my life in a state of -- excuse me, but there are few better terms -- mental masturbation.
All I was doing was feeding my ego, indulging its little whims and woes, and feeling sorry for myself. What was I doing for humanity? Nothing. And yes, that is self-centredness in its highest -- or should I say lowest -- form.
Of course, the great curse of the ever-nourished ego -- the root of all depression -- is that when you're IN that state, you CAN'T SEE it for what it is. It's like the people stuck in the Matrix (the film). They wouldn't believe it if you told them they were living in a dream. You have to wake up for yourself, then you see it."
Joshua Bryer

Similarly, the Buddha himself said:

"We are shaped by our thoughts; we become what we think.
When the mind is pure, joy follows like a shadow that never leaves."

TWENTY-FOUR BRAND-NEW HOURS
By Thich Nhat Hanh

Thich Nhat Hahn, Coutersy of Plum Village Practice Center, France Every morning, when we wake up, we have twenty-four brand-new hours to live. What a precious gift! We have the capacity to live in a way that these twenty-four hours will bring peace, joy, and happiness to ourselves and others.
Peace is present right here and now, in ourselves and in everything we do and see. The Question is whether or not we are in touch with it. We don't have to travel far away to enjoy the blue sky. We don't have to leave our city or even our neighborhood to enjoy the eyes of a beautiful child. Even the air we breathe can be a source of joy.
We can smile, breathe, walk, and eat our meals in a way that allows us to be in touch with the abundance of happiness that is available. We are very good at preparing to live, but not very good at living. We know how to sacrifice ten years for a diploma, and we are willing to work very hard to get a job, a car, a house, and so on. But we have difficulty remembering that we are alive at the present moment, the only moment there is for us to be alive.
Every breath we take, every step we make, can be filled with peace, joy, and serenity. We need only to be awake, alive in the present moment. ...

Spring Cleaning My Soul

I got this idea from this site:
http://www.soulpancake.com/post/1359/spring-cleaning-your-soul.html

Hmmm....Spring seems finally to be here! Hip Hip Hooray! I think I will try to keep this in a positive direction rather than focusing in the negative. Spring is a great time to try new things. And my newest thing is an electric bike. I have seen a few movies about stepping lighter on the earth and while walking is perhaps the "lightest steps" (pun intended) we can take transportation-wise, an electric bike still beats the heck out of a 5 passenger SUV carrying one person. So, I get to be outdoors, using my legs to power my bike (with the battery power assisting me as I need it, sigh of relief) and it is just darn fun! Having not really ridden a bike since I was a kid (maybe a few times as an adult that were not long or not pleasant) riding makes me feel young again! AND I don't feel AS guilty when I eat extra dessert now. ^^giggle^^

Let's see...I'm really trying to practice what I read about love and patience and understanding. It's one thing to read something, another thing to know something and an even greater thing to practice something. I pat myself on the back for finally going to visit an old friend in the nursing facility in which he dwells. (I will not berate myself for it taking me almost 2 years because I am keeping positive!)

I am restructuring my life to include time for me! This means not working for every person who "needs me to help them because they really need help." Because guess what?! I REALLY NEED HELP! Don't get me wrong. I LOVE helping people, but I have not evolved to the point where I can cope well if I don't save enough time to take care of my own business and health.

We all need help and I can sacrifice some, in fact I do quite often, but I cannot sacrifice continually. I will sink.

So here is to staying afloat! Ahoy!

childhood is the best!

While I was walking one of the dogs this afternoon, I was noticing the shrubbery around the edge of the complex. Not the manicured shrubbery, but the wild stuff on the fringes. I had a flashback to my youth when I would spend lots of time outdoors under some bush or trees pretending. Pretending I lived there. Oftentimes my next youngest sister would be with me and/or some of our friends. We probably raided the kitchen to take food there pretending we hunted or scavenged for it ourselves. Perhaps our dolls would be there with us. I don't remember what exactly we played, just that we seemed to spend a lot of time outside playing. A LOT of time compared to how much I get to spend today. But I didn't have a job back then.

I wasn't bringing home the bacon, frying it up in the pan and then cleaning up afterwards. I wasn't serving in an elected position that required me to attend meetings twice a month and take notes. I wasn't preparing lessons or devotional meetings or Feasts. I was just playing. Boy, I miss those times in a way.
So so so so carefree!

I had the whole summer to pretend, to swim, to ride bikes, to play with friends and as I got older I did do chores like cut the grass, weed the garden, cook meals, clean up afterwards....I began to work more and play less, whether that meant schoolwork or babysitting or planning Feast readings...till now, I hardly play at all and don't even have vacation time to relax.

Now I reheat the collard greens I cooked yesterday and scorch them while I type this blog. ooops! mmm, not bad...pretty good actually...

Ok, I had leftover broccoli and scorched greens for dinner all by myself at 8pm. Sure is different from how I grew up and the first twenty years of married life. But again, it's not so bad...pretty good actually.

Earth Hour

It is 9:43 pm local time and I just participated in the 5th Earth Hour.

http://www.earthhour.org/About.aspx

Sponsored by the World Wildlife Federation, it is a time for folks to turn their lights off for a whole hour. And during that hour you can reflect on what you can do about climate change. I spent my hour brushing and flossing my teeth in the semi-dark, since I did have a night light plugged in in the bathroom, praying, trying to nap, thinking about the planet and the reasons to conserve (not to be cool), going outside to see how many lights were on because other people didn't know about Earth Hour like I didn't until two days ago, interrupting Chase (who was trying to nap during the lights out period) to talk to Hunter about Happy Days and That 70's Show, washing some veggies for the casserole I plan to make tomorrow, wondering how many people I know were sitting with the lights out...

It was a very peaceful hour. And dark. I felt like using the computer would have violated the lights out policy, so I didn't use anything electronic for that hour.

Now life is back to normal. I sort of liked abnormal.

Safety

It's important to recognize that interrupting codependent behavior requires that you define yourself and your wants. So many people scramble to fill the empty hole within, by focusing on the care-taking of others while ignoring themselves. So where does someone begin, to build their own identity? Fill the emptiness with more and more layers of authenticity. Risk disagreement which makes things more interesting. Practice the truth with your therapist or your best friend. Stop swallowing your real opinions, choose when to go along, instead of always being a pushover.

Growing up is learning to move from external supports to creating true internal strength. Determine your own curiosities as a beginning to learning more about your own wants. Understand the differences between yourself and someone else (whether it is mother, lover, sister, or best friend). Speak up and make sure you are one of the balls you juggle in life, instead of leaving yourself out.

It is worth repeating: The best cure for codependence is authentic disagreement.

Healthy conflict is not a betrayal of trust and niceness as is so often believed in this culture. Healthy conflict keeps dialogue intact and trust can build based on a more real relationship. The work of understanding differences is worth it.

Those who are codependent are very afraid of being alone; there is a scramble to stuff someone else into the emptiness within when a relationship breaks up. People who are codependent mistake enmeshment for love and can’t bear to be without it. We should all recognize the old saying “you can’t love someone else unless you love yourself” as true. Being alone is one way to learn how to love yourself. Face your fears and try learning to enjoy life alone without the safety factor of a built-in partner.

Give up the people-pleasing and hiding behind the false 150 watt smile. Risk more disagreement. Be willing to not be liked instead of being a chameleon. There was a sign in my husband’s office for his sales people that rings true: “25% of the people like you, 25% of the people don’t like you, and 50% are indifferent.” Keep this refreshing perspective in mind and learn to live with the reality.

Ultimately, people who are codependent have done themselves the greatest injustice by losing track of who they are. Pay attention to being annoyed. Underneath feeling grumpy is a buried want that you are ignoring and swallowing too easily. Speak up to undo the legacy of codependency.

All of the above is from an article I read. My question is how does one do this if one doesn't feel safe to do it? How do I retrain my brain not to go into anxiety mode if I feel I am displeasing someone? Now, I don't have the exact same response about displeasing everyone, just some people and just sometimes. I feel like I am conditioned to react with anxiety under certain circumstances and I don't know why. I want to not feel anxious, but I cannot help it. It just happens no matter what self-talk I do. I feel like hypnosis could help, if I believed in it. I am almost 50 and haven't broken from this yet.

OK, so the actions of one person DO make a difference

I already posted once this morning, but after attending the devotions at the Baha'i Center today, which were really more of a discussion than prayers, my mind began reeling on ways to be more mindful of the ways my actions impact the environment.

The session this morning was called, "Ecology, Spirituality and Ethics". I have long been a person who cares about the state of the world, including the physical earth and its inhabitants. I can pinpoint the moment when I first became aware that actions I take can affect people and places both near and far from me. I worked with a woman named Sue who I learned was a vegetarian and upon further investigation found she was vegetarian for ethical reasons as opposed to dietary/health reasons, although I am sure that was still part of it for her. Because of Sue I read a book by Frances Moore Lappe called Diet for a Small Planet. This was 1978 or 79 I think (I guess my pinpoint abilities are not that great after all). This was the beginning of a new lifestyle and way of thinking for me. I have gone through many evolutions in the vein of caring for...well...life I guess.

But for now, I will skip all of those and come to today. My great idea that I am pretty sure I won't be able to implement, but I am putting out the vibes so maybe someone will and if money is made from it, then perhaps the person who gets rich or gets the credit will be humble and generous. Here is my idea...

First, I need to give some background info. I already use cloth shopping bags for almost any shopping I have to do. Every once in a while I forget to throw them in the car, but I try to carry one or two compact ones in my purse at all times. So, recently I heard a statistic that one of the "earth friendly" stores in our area goes through 1,000 paper cups a day. That is in just one store. They carry this really great dessert I like called chocolate truffle torte (in mint or orange depending on the day). If I want a piece of it to buy they put it in a clear plastic #1 container with a lid. Sure I can recycle it, but one day I saw a guy come in to the store and bring his own container for the deli item he was purchasing and, though I have done that before when I was a stay-at-home mom and homeschool teacher at the health food bulk bins, I hadn't thought to do it at a deli. So I decided that any time I want to get a dessert there I need to bring a container for it instead of getting a brand new piece of plastic that was made from oil to put it in. If nothing else it would keep me from eating too much dessert. :)

I wash the container when I get home and put it in my car so that when I go to that store I can buy that dessert without feeling like I am negatively impacting the environment.

Which brings me to today. I was remembering that one of the things the No Impact Man did to not leave a footprint was to stop eating out. Well he didn't even go to sit down restaurants with washable dishes for several reasons, but for my purposes I am going to limit my idea to fast food restaurants. Other than just frequenting them less here is my idea

....the collective needs to invent a type of dish that is lightweight and washable, preferably not plastic or aluminum, that you can bring to a restaurant when you want to order food. You say to yourself, "What about sanitation?" Well, the idea is you bring in your dishes, they take them like a deposit on the clean ones that will come with your food or drink purchase. The restaurant will sanitize them and reuse them. So, when you get your food you eat it and either turn it in to a resturant for credit (if you can't hang onto it for some reason) or just bring it back with you next time.

It is possible that fast food restaurants will have to standardize dishes so they can be used at different places and you don't have to return the dishes from one place to the same place.

OR they could set up the system to where you just hold out a clean plate or box or wrapper to them of your own and they just put it in there.

It probably sounds pretty silly in some ways, but that is because we have gotten so used to it that we don't think anything about throwing away tons of paper, plastic and styrofoam from all the eating out we do.

I hear Starbucks will fill up your own glass or cup if you ask them and maybe even give you a discount. Lots of places could do that. Where there is a will there is a way. How do we get people and corporations to get into the swing of this thinking? First of all, we just talk about it with everyone. Share with each other the ways we save resources. Our planet does not have infinite resources. It's a fact!

If you have any other ideas, please share them here. One person, Sue, changed me and I know that my actions have affected others and it builds. ONE person CAN make a difference!

More Fasting thoughts

A friend told me today, and I like this analogy a lot, that the Fast is like a soul pruning.

'Abdu'l-Baha tells us, "Men who suffer not, attain no perfection. The plant most pruned by the gardeners is that one which, when the summer comes, will have the most beautiful blossoms and the most abundant fruit.
(Abdu'l-Baha, Paris Talks, p. 50)

He was referring to tests we endure, but I can see that it could also refer to the hardship we undergo sometimes during the Fast.

This is day 12 and I have been fortunate this year so far to be able to keep the Fast by staying healthy. I feel blessed. And yet I realize at the same time this realization which comes from the prayer for Naw-Ruz--
"For the doings of men are all dependent upon Thy good-pleasure, and are conditioned by Thy behest. Shouldst Thou regard him who hath broken the fast as one who hath observed it, such a man would be reckoned among them who from eternity had been keeping the fast. And shouldst Thou decree that he who hath observed the fast hath broken it, that person would be numbered with such as have caused the Robe of Thy Revelation to be stained with dust, and been far removed from the crystal waters of this living Fountain."
(Compilations, Baha'i Prayers, p. 260)

So, counting today I have 8 more days of fasting. I have often thought of my brothers and sisters in prison in Iran who may or may not be able to fast and not only does my heart go out to them, but I am strengthened to keep the fast myself knowing what a bounty and privilege it is to be able to do so.

Yes, there are times when I have thought about ways I might exempt myself from fasting, you know, tried to see if I fit into one of the "loopholes" that mean you don't "have" to fast, but then I remember that it is my soul that benefits from it and why would I want to retard my soul?

So, if you are reading this and are fasting or have fasted, I hope you feel the benefits of your efforts. I know I do.

"prayer and fasting is the cause of awakening and mindfulness and conducive to protection and preservation from tests...."

(Abdu'l-Baha, Baha'i World Faith - Abdu'l-Baha Section, p. 368)

Peace to you

Fasting Ruminations

I love metaphors.

Just a quick little update. Today is day 5 of the Baha'i Fast and so far so good. I thought yesterday I was getting sick, but it passed and i was able to fast the whole day. YAY!

I had a visit with Damaris and we did stuff I really "needed" to do. We went shopping and I bought something new for myself that I really like in a non-thrift or consignment store. If I was on my own I probably wouldn't have even gone into any cool downtown stores, but I had a friend to "entertain" so we went into the Open Door and I got a very cool sweater/shawl thingy. Guess what color! You got it---green! We had planned to attend a prayer gathering at the Baha'i Center after dinner, but while out shopping we saw a poster for a play at NC Stage Company that looked really good (I love Scott Treadway and Charlie Flynn-McIver) so we decided to check it out. Usually when I go see a play I usher so it doesn't cost me anything because they are pretty expensive, but I learned last night that ushering pays even more now since the ticket prices went up about $10! It cost $28 for one ticket. But it was worth it! Hilarious play and I sure did need a good laugh. Then we walked over to the French Broad Chocolate Lounge and got some great dessert! OK, I tried to create a link to their website, but can't get it to work. I got the video one below to work and I am following the same procedure. Oh well,anyway, I got a brownie with vanilla ice cream. Yum!

When we arrived home I realized how late it was--11:30pm--and figured I should go straight to bed since 6am comes early and we would be getting up then to eat and drink.

One of the things I love about the Fast is how much more aware I become of so many most-of-the-time-insignificant things, which I am having a hard time thinking of at the moment. I gain a strength from knowing that I can do it. I also am mindful of people in the world who don't even get to eat the breakfast I had at 6 am and are hungry all the time or who don't have clean water to drink. We have a long way to go before the world is balanced in that area where nobody goes without the things they need to survive. Which reminds me of a video I want to post if I can figure it out.

http://www.wimp.com/wecould

Oh I posted this back in February.

Oh well, here it is again if you missed it or you just like watching it like I do. I have some minutes to type for a meeting tomorrow.

Since I am short on time I will call it a blog.

later!

14 minutes past

past my computer curfew that is....

The Baha'i Fast begins in the morning. I hope the headache I have right now is gone before then so I can do it.

Better get myself ready for bed....lots of prep involved with that and it is already after 10pm.....

We Could

http://www.wimp.com/wecould

Awesome kid

I've been catching up on my youngest son's blog. I had forgotten he created a blog and haven't read it in a year probably. On his profile he says he is awesome. He really is. I could not agree more. I hope one day a very special person will discover that about him. He deserves someone really special.

Most everybody but me...

... gets a vacation at least once a year,
... has health insurance
... enjoys their life
... eeeeaaarrrrkkkk!

put the brakes on that thought Lynn.....

step back and notice your blessings.....

... not really meaningful, but at least present good paying work
... a family that loves me
... friends that love me
... doggies that love me
... a couple of 7 year old girls who adore me
... legs that take me most places I want to go
... a warm home
... a comfortable bed
... a paid for car
... I know of Baha'u'llah and His relevant Teachings
...
....

OK, so why don't I feel any better?

I TOTALLY understand why some people commit suicide.

They just get tired of feeling bad all the time.

And on top of that, they feel guilty for feeling bad.

AND you can't really talk about it except with other depressed people because everybody else shuns you if you try. They might get brought down or they feel helpless.

Better to just leave the depressed person alone.

So, now that person is depressed and if lonely, probably feeling even lonelier. Great!

it...now

it has been three months since i wrote here

I like snow, but I don't like sunless days in the wintertime. And I don't like having to go places when it is snowing or has snowed recently.

I like staying at home, but I can still feel snowbound.

I like being alone, but I can still feel lonely.

I like serving others, but I still could stand to have someone serve me occasionally. Take care of me, i.e. fix me a glass of water or get the oil changed in my car,...

that's enough for now