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I wish

I wish I had never ever said an unkind thing about another person.
Don't you?
Don't you wish you were perfect?
I wish I was.
I wish I always did the "right" thing. The "good" thing.
I wish I never got angry.
I wish I was always patient.
I wish I never got hurt.
I wish I knew when to give advice and when not to.
I wish I knew when to be quiet and when to speak up.
I wish I was perfect except for one thing. I might not be able to sympathize with people who aren't perfect.
I wish not only that I might not look at the faults of another, I wish I couldn't even see them in the first place.
That would be wonderful.
But I am an imperfect person and I must deal with it.
So must you.
Forgive me for my imperfections.
I'm trying the best I know how.

Loss

I feel like I have lost a son.

It hurts like nobody's business.

I cannot discuss it.

I must go on with my life.

Now, how to normalize when life is not normal......

I believe I will not be tested beyond my capacity to endure, so I have faith that I can get through this. I just don't know what that will look like right now.

Prayers are much appreciated. Questions at this point are unquestionable.

A Bee says....

Today while I was taking Hershey for a walk a bee came a buzzing out of nowhere. It buzzed around my head, my arm, the poop bag, the mail, my head again. It made me nervous. I made sure not to aggravate it even though it was aggravating me (ah is that a lesson?). I thought to myself, that since that was so out of the blue and so unusual that it must be trying to tell me something.

Later I told my friend about it and she said, "Did you ask it what it was wanting to say to you?" and I said no I didn't ask, but I wondered. Then I remembered that I had to get very still while it was buzzing around me so that I didn't scare it and cause it to sting me and and the song "Be Still and know that I am God" came into my memory.

She said she had three praying mantises come by her place and she looked them up on the internet to find that they signify one is on a spiritual path or something. I had a praying mantis come to my door last week I think. I need to google bees and what they might signify.

But for now, I am thinking that I need to be still and know that God is within. I have an old entry with the words to that song. "Listen to your inner voice..."

Ok, so I googled "bees signify" and this is what I found (I think these are all dream related though):

Bees

• Bees signify pleasant and profitable engagements.(I did get to work and they asked if I could work tomorrow too, and then tonight someone asked if I could clean her house for pay...)
  
• To parents, much pleasure from dutiful children. If one stings, loss or injury will bear upon you from a friendly source.

Bees
Activity. Productivity. Social life. Happiness in life. Success in love. Good earnings.

Bees
A person that is hard working, has good organization skills, is cooperative and creative. The negative symbolism could be that of a follower, a busy body and of someone that "stings". If you are working on a project in which many people need to work together to accomplish a goal, this may be a topic for some of your dreams.

Bees, working: The person is being informed not to waste time in any important aspect of life, work on this aspect is a must.

Maybe Sherry has some suggestions?
I didn't dream about them. One just showed up and got my attention for a few moments.
My vote is either for happiness in life or Success in love! :) OR BOTH!

Oh, I just saw these, too...
bee, bees
Interpretation:
Being obsessed with something, having a bee in your bonnet
Being industrious, productive, or hard working, a busy bee
Feeling vulnerable, stung or hurt
Needing to get into a state of relaxing, letting go, just being ...


Something to ponder....
I'm SUCH a ponderer! Hey, is that related to being obsessed? Maybe.

Marriage

BAHÁ'Í MARRIAGE

As to the question of marriage, according to the law of God: First you must select one, and then it depends on the consent of the father and mother. Before your selection they have no right of interference.

Bahá'í marriage is union and cordial affection between the two parties. They must, however, exercise the utmost care and become acquainted with each other's character. This eternal bond should be made secure by a firm covenant, and the intention should be to foster harmony, fellowship and unity and to attain everlasting life...

In a true Bahá'í marriage the two parties must become fully united both spiritually and physically, so that they may attain eternal union throughout all the worlds of God, and improve the spiritual life of each other. This is Bahá'í matrimony.

Among the majority of the people marriage consists of physical relationship and this union and relationship is temporary for at the end physical separation is destined and ordained. But the marriage of the people of Baha must consist of both physical and spiritual relationship for both of them are intoxicated with the wine of one cup, are attracted by one Peerless Countenance, are quickened with one Life and are illumined with one Light. This is the spiritual relationship and everlasting union. Likewise in the physical world they are bound together with strong and unbreakable ties.

When relationship, union and concord exist between the two from a physical and spiritual standpoint, that is the real union, therefore everlasting. But if the union is merely from the physical point of view, unquestionably it is temporal and at the end separation is inevitable.

Consequently when the people of Baha desire to enter the sacred union of marriage, eternal connection and ideal relationship, spiritual and physical association of thoughts and conceptions of life must exist between them, so that in all the grades of existence and all the worlds of God this union may continue forever and ever for this real union is a splendor of the light of the love of God.

Likewise if the souls become real believers they will find themselves ushered into this exalted state of relationship, becoming the manifestors of the love of the Merciful and exhilarated with the cup of the love of God. Undoubtedly that union and relationship is eternal.

The souls who sacrifice self, become detached from the imperfections of the realm of man and free from the shackles of this ephemeral world, assuredly the splendors of the rays of divine union shall shine in their hearts and in the eternal paradise they shall find ideal relationship, union and happiness.

(Abdu'l-Baha, Baha'i World Faith - Abdu'l-Baha Section, p. 372)

I awoke this morning on this cool drizzly day, alone in my house except for one scratching, flea infested dog and these words came to me:

There is a man who sees my figure,
where is a man who sees God in all creatures?

There is a man who sees my sensuality,
where is a man who sees and and loves my spirituality?

There is a man who desires my body,
where is a man who desires my heart and soul?

There is a man who says sweet things to me,
where is a man who would whisper or shout prayers to his Lord?

There is a man who would lie next to me,
where is a man who will serve next to me?

There is a man who would caress me tenderly,
where is a man who would caress the hearts of God's loved ones?

There is a man who strives to please me,
where is a man who strives to do the will of God?

There is a man who works hard at his job,
where is a man who works hard on himself or his relationships?

There is a man who sometimes has a rough day,
where is a man who recognizes and understands when I have had one?

There is a man who knows lust and desire,
where is a man who knows love?

Grief relief

I have to report that though I am still sad about some things going on with my family, the Sam-e supplements must be doing something. That and/or the prayers that I know are being said for me.
I feel some better and am holding out hope that if I remain constantly loving, that things will turn around.

I do still feel like in a way my son has died, though the death only affects me as it is only me my son shuns and wants nothing to do with. Heartbreaking. But I carry on.

I have gone to a place called Joblink which is a one-stop resource for job searching. I can brush up on some skills, learn how to write a resume, practice interviewing, find out about work in action programs, training, job searching, networking and other things related to finding a job.

I consider myself intelligent, just lacking in confidence. Hopefully these workshops will help me in that area. I am getting a little work here and there so that I am not totally living on savings, but the savings won't last long. I am feeling the crunch.

I thought about starting a cleaning business (with mom to do the books and hiring and firing and other business things). That can be profitable I think if you know what you are doing.

But part of me does not want to do that either. I still need some clarity on what I want to do.
It would help before I go job searching or back to school. I realize I need a job where I have the freedom to move around and don't have to sit all day or stand all day. Walking is fine. This is why childcare and cleaning and yardwork work for me, though perhaps under utilizing my talents.

Speaking of walking, I am headed out to walk this morning with one of my sisters. I have yet to get a walk in with Bonnie, though we have talked about it for a while. Lunch time is not always a good time for me, though now it is ok while I am not working much.

Sherry and Ken and the boys (H and C) and Chase's friend Emma came over for game night Saturday for the second time in a month. It was again very fun! I hope that one day things will get back to a space where Evan and Jennifer can join us again. That night several months ago when we played guestures was great fun also.

Well, I better get dressed for walking.
thanks for reading......