I just don't know what to say anymore. Every time I get on here to write I feel like I have nothing to say. I don't really want to talk about myself. So what else can I talk about? I don't have any insights or knowledge to share. Nothing happening in my life that I feel is of interest to anyone. I would like to know how Maggie is doing since her sleep study, but I haven't had a chance to ask her.
It is after midnight and I need to go on to bed after brushing my teeth and praying. Can't think of a thing to talk about. Unusual.
Oh, I just thought of something. Some of my readers know this already, but some don't.
At the advice of an intuitive healer I am avoiding sugar and chocolate and eating more meat and vegetables. I am still having some health issues, but nothing I care to discuss. For the most part I am feeling pretty good mentally or emotionally (thank you God for Baha'u'llah, Sam-e and Eckhart Tolle). Oh, and the healer/counselor also told me not to get involved with a man for nine months. Sheesh! Like that was going to happen anyway. I think it is good advice. Of course, I don't know what that means for my goal (remember me telling this a while back?) of getting married by my next birthday. If I don't get involved with anyone for nine months that only gives me two months to form a relationship and get engaged :)
Ah well....Que Sera Sera.
Wednesday, 31 December 2008
Wednesday, 24 December 2008
Saturday, 13 December 2008
Wednesday, 26 November 2008
My Oprah Stint
A few weeks ago I came home from a meeting one evening (I think it was our Bahai Holy Day observance of the Birth of Baha'u'llah) and saw a huge van with what appeared to be a satellite dish on top of it parked sideways over about 4 parking spaces in our parking lot here at the condo. I briefly wondered what it was doing there, but quickly let it go as just somebody needing to park it there while traveling somewhere else (Ha!). The next morning I was doing email in my PJ's and realized I had not taken Hershey out to pee yet, so I threw my coat over my PJs and traipsed outside with her. What I saw when I got to the entrance of the breezeway shocked me and excited me. There were several satellite vans now and a few trucks and people and cables running all over the place. I walked Hershey across the lot anyway, despite how I was dressed and how I looked with my hair unwashed and unbrushed, where she promptly peed on one of the cables stretched out in the grass. I retrieved from my car a book I had been reading called "The Courage to Be Yourself" which I was now being in front of so many strangers.
A man walked by as I was re-entering my breezeway and I asked him quickly if he knew what was going on. He said they were taping a piece for the Oprah show. We chatted briefly about it and he told me that this sort of production cost about $80,000 to do. I don't know if that included the makeover part of things or just the production crew part of things. Yes, I said makeover. Oprah was doing a room makeover for a family in the next building over. How exciting! I don't remember if the man I talked to told me it was a makeover; I think I found that out by watching later. He said it was live and I said Oprah didn't come on here till 4pm (it was about 9 a.m.ish at the time as I recall) I told him I wouldn't be watching it as on that very day, Nov 12, the cable had been turned off as I did not feel I could afford the $22 dollars a month it cost. I was sort of embarrassed, though, when he said to me, "You are better off with that anyway," as he nodded towards the book I clasped. I didn't know if he saw the title of it or if he just meant I was better off reading instead of watching TV.
Anyway, I came back in and quickly jotted an email to a few people I know who like Oprah and one who doesn't (don't ask me why) and took a quick shower, put on some mascara (I've been wearing a little makeup several times a week these days) and a cute outfit and headed out to observe the goings on. I was nervous at first about getting too close. I walked up the hill and took some video with my phone of some of the stuff going on in case I had to prove I was really here when I told people about it later. I watched people moving furniture out of one of the units and placing it on the lawn. I observed someone saying something about making an outdoor living room for the family to sit in while their room was being made over. At this point I still didn't know exactly what was going on.
Eventually I worked my nerve up to get a closer look. I mean, it was my neighbors, what's the big deal other than that I don't really know them. I went down and began questioning the couple. The woman proceeded to tell me she had written an essay to the Oprah show and they had been selected to receive a 60 minute room makeover. This is the kind of stuff I used to watch often when I had extended cable and more time.
Anyway, I wound up trying to keep the baby from riding off the sidewalk as the couple had to stay ready on the couch for when the producer (or whoever she was) said to them that Oprah was there to talk to them. It was funny listening to her keep telling them to be upbeat and bright and energetic at the same time they were having to wait with plastered smiles on their faces and keeping the dog in the picture or the baby out of trouble, etc so they could be ready when the show came back on from a commercial. So, the show was being taped live (in live time) even though it would be aired later if that makes sense. It seems like too much detail to explain here especially since I need to be cooking my Thanksgiving food before going to work in a little while.
Turns out the guy I had talked to was one of the cameramen. I spent too much time here, wasting my morning in a way. Oh, and I had called Beth somewhere in here and told her about it in case she wanted to see all the fun. She was planning on coming over anyway, but she came sooner. I got to see the Lowes crew do their "rushing in" thing that is common to these makeover projects sometimes. And I got to see Thom Filicia shout out their door that supper was ready (as a signal when the room was ready for them to see). After all the commotion died down I also got to go inside and see the finished room. (Thom was sitting on the couch. He's so cute) It was pretty, but impersonal of course and made me glad they had not done my room and taken away my children's artwork and family photos, etc.
It had been fun watching them do all of that painting and hanging curtains and moving furniture and everything in such a short time. And it turns out I was on the show briefly. My sister-in-law noticed me and Tag blogged about it and now here I am blogging about it.
The guy in the white jacket is the one I chatted with earlier.
The Lowe's truck had most of the new furniture in it. The other truck was full of production equipment I think.
Here is a link that talks about the episode. I would like to see the episode. Maybe someone who has taped it can save it for me since I think I am on it somewhere.
http://www.oprah.com/slideshow/oprahshow/20081112_tows_thom
A man walked by as I was re-entering my breezeway and I asked him quickly if he knew what was going on. He said they were taping a piece for the Oprah show. We chatted briefly about it and he told me that this sort of production cost about $80,000 to do. I don't know if that included the makeover part of things or just the production crew part of things. Yes, I said makeover. Oprah was doing a room makeover for a family in the next building over. How exciting! I don't remember if the man I talked to told me it was a makeover; I think I found that out by watching later. He said it was live and I said Oprah didn't come on here till 4pm (it was about 9 a.m.ish at the time as I recall) I told him I wouldn't be watching it as on that very day, Nov 12, the cable had been turned off as I did not feel I could afford the $22 dollars a month it cost. I was sort of embarrassed, though, when he said to me, "You are better off with that anyway," as he nodded towards the book I clasped. I didn't know if he saw the title of it or if he just meant I was better off reading instead of watching TV.
Anyway, I came back in and quickly jotted an email to a few people I know who like Oprah and one who doesn't (don't ask me why) and took a quick shower, put on some mascara (I've been wearing a little makeup several times a week these days) and a cute outfit and headed out to observe the goings on. I was nervous at first about getting too close. I walked up the hill and took some video with my phone of some of the stuff going on in case I had to prove I was really here when I told people about it later. I watched people moving furniture out of one of the units and placing it on the lawn. I observed someone saying something about making an outdoor living room for the family to sit in while their room was being made over. At this point I still didn't know exactly what was going on.
Eventually I worked my nerve up to get a closer look. I mean, it was my neighbors, what's the big deal other than that I don't really know them. I went down and began questioning the couple. The woman proceeded to tell me she had written an essay to the Oprah show and they had been selected to receive a 60 minute room makeover. This is the kind of stuff I used to watch often when I had extended cable and more time.
Anyway, I wound up trying to keep the baby from riding off the sidewalk as the couple had to stay ready on the couch for when the producer (or whoever she was) said to them that Oprah was there to talk to them. It was funny listening to her keep telling them to be upbeat and bright and energetic at the same time they were having to wait with plastered smiles on their faces and keeping the dog in the picture or the baby out of trouble, etc so they could be ready when the show came back on from a commercial. So, the show was being taped live (in live time) even though it would be aired later if that makes sense. It seems like too much detail to explain here especially since I need to be cooking my Thanksgiving food before going to work in a little while.
Turns out the guy I had talked to was one of the cameramen. I spent too much time here, wasting my morning in a way. Oh, and I had called Beth somewhere in here and told her about it in case she wanted to see all the fun. She was planning on coming over anyway, but she came sooner. I got to see the Lowes crew do their "rushing in" thing that is common to these makeover projects sometimes. And I got to see Thom Filicia shout out their door that supper was ready (as a signal when the room was ready for them to see). After all the commotion died down I also got to go inside and see the finished room. (Thom was sitting on the couch. He's so cute) It was pretty, but impersonal of course and made me glad they had not done my room and taken away my children's artwork and family photos, etc.
It had been fun watching them do all of that painting and hanging curtains and moving furniture and everything in such a short time. And it turns out I was on the show briefly. My sister-in-law noticed me and Tag blogged about it and now here I am blogging about it.
The guy in the white jacket is the one I chatted with earlier.
The Lowe's truck had most of the new furniture in it. The other truck was full of production equipment I think.
Here is a link that talks about the episode. I would like to see the episode. Maybe someone who has taped it can save it for me since I think I am on it somewhere.
http://www.oprah.com/slideshow/oprahshow/20081112_tows_thom
Wednesday, 19 November 2008
Am I dying?
Well, let's see. I hope that part of me is. Do you remember when I wrote this:
"Maybe I am supposed to get the message that I am supposed to die. I don't mean my body, though I have felt sad enough recently to wish it so. I posted those thoughts briefly on my old blog. Took them off right away. I mean literally a minute didn't elapse before I removed it. Didn't really want anyone to worry about me.
No, I think my "self" needs to die. My insistent self. My ego, in other words. Did you know that is one of the hardest things to kill? One of the hardest things to let go of? One of the hardest things to surrender? I wonder if I can do it? I feel like I have been trying for years. Have not had success yet. How long will it take? It is not going without a fight. I believe I will not have true peace until I do. Until I release myself from self.
Is writing about myself, self-centered? Should I stop writing? Stop blogging? How do I stop thinking about myself yet take care of myself? These are all rhetorical questions. I am not asking for answers from anyone, though comments are welcome. Just don't feel like you have to respond just because I am asking questions. They are things I ponder. Maybe you do, too.
If I think about it, I am actually sick and tired of my self. It is depressing. Self consumes too much of my time and energy. Unproductive use of time and energy. Gonna keep trying to replace it with thoughtfulness of others.
Well, wish me luck!"
Guess what! I was on the right track with those thoughts except for the fact that they were thoughts. I was right that my ego had to die. I didn't know how to "kill it". But recently I figured out the secret. To be free of the ego just takes being aware of when ego is in control. Realizing or recognizing that I am not my thoughts.
Eckhart Tolle, author of "A New Earth" says in a skype class with 700,000 people across the planet including Oprah:
reach a place within yourself that is unconditioned, the formless consciousness
there is a passage that says, "Be Still and know that I am God" it is from the Old Testament and contains the entire wisdom of religion
be still = go to that place where the mind is no longer operating, where you are just conscious w/o thinking; and that is the level where the eternal resides. The eternal, the formless, the spirit, is the essence of every human being, no matter how insane or conflict ridden they may seem to appear on the surface, within every human being that remains untouched, there is nothing that anyone could have done to you or nothing that you could have done to others to destroy that, and that is the grace of being here and no matter how much madness there has been in your life that (your essence) remains untouched, so it's getting in touch with that deepest place within and you can only do that by becoming still.
He said something else that speaks to me...Oprah asked him if he didn't come up with the idea of the ego and consciousness stuff that he talks about when he was about to take his own life and he said yes, and that that is what it takes for some people before they are able to awaken. He said his ego was so obstinate and he was in so much pain (this is where I was) that he got to a place where he said to himself that he could not live with himself and it occurred to him that if there was an "I" and a "myself" that there had to be two of him. So the "I" is his essence and the "myself" is his ego.
Wow this is fascinating! If you want to see the talk even without having read the book go to Oprah.com and look for bookclubs and click on A New Earth and then you'll see what to do next.
This is such good stuff. I feel so much more at peace than with any other self-help book I have ever read. Great read in my opinion. Perfect for me anyway. Maybe you, too.
And I would write more except my form needs rest. Later!
"Maybe I am supposed to get the message that I am supposed to die. I don't mean my body, though I have felt sad enough recently to wish it so. I posted those thoughts briefly on my old blog. Took them off right away. I mean literally a minute didn't elapse before I removed it. Didn't really want anyone to worry about me.
No, I think my "self" needs to die. My insistent self. My ego, in other words. Did you know that is one of the hardest things to kill? One of the hardest things to let go of? One of the hardest things to surrender? I wonder if I can do it? I feel like I have been trying for years. Have not had success yet. How long will it take? It is not going without a fight. I believe I will not have true peace until I do. Until I release myself from self.
Is writing about myself, self-centered? Should I stop writing? Stop blogging? How do I stop thinking about myself yet take care of myself? These are all rhetorical questions. I am not asking for answers from anyone, though comments are welcome. Just don't feel like you have to respond just because I am asking questions. They are things I ponder. Maybe you do, too.
If I think about it, I am actually sick and tired of my self. It is depressing. Self consumes too much of my time and energy. Unproductive use of time and energy. Gonna keep trying to replace it with thoughtfulness of others.
Well, wish me luck!"
Guess what! I was on the right track with those thoughts except for the fact that they were thoughts. I was right that my ego had to die. I didn't know how to "kill it". But recently I figured out the secret. To be free of the ego just takes being aware of when ego is in control. Realizing or recognizing that I am not my thoughts.
Eckhart Tolle, author of "A New Earth" says in a skype class with 700,000 people across the planet including Oprah:
reach a place within yourself that is unconditioned, the formless consciousness
there is a passage that says, "Be Still and know that I am God" it is from the Old Testament and contains the entire wisdom of religion
be still = go to that place where the mind is no longer operating, where you are just conscious w/o thinking; and that is the level where the eternal resides. The eternal, the formless, the spirit, is the essence of every human being, no matter how insane or conflict ridden they may seem to appear on the surface, within every human being that remains untouched, there is nothing that anyone could have done to you or nothing that you could have done to others to destroy that, and that is the grace of being here and no matter how much madness there has been in your life that (your essence) remains untouched, so it's getting in touch with that deepest place within and you can only do that by becoming still.
He said something else that speaks to me...Oprah asked him if he didn't come up with the idea of the ego and consciousness stuff that he talks about when he was about to take his own life and he said yes, and that that is what it takes for some people before they are able to awaken. He said his ego was so obstinate and he was in so much pain (this is where I was) that he got to a place where he said to himself that he could not live with himself and it occurred to him that if there was an "I" and a "myself" that there had to be two of him. So the "I" is his essence and the "myself" is his ego.
Wow this is fascinating! If you want to see the talk even without having read the book go to Oprah.com and look for bookclubs and click on A New Earth and then you'll see what to do next.
This is such good stuff. I feel so much more at peace than with any other self-help book I have ever read. Great read in my opinion. Perfect for me anyway. Maybe you, too.
And I would write more except my form needs rest. Later!
Wednesday, 5 November 2008
Election Thoughts
It is only a little after 7:30 am and though I have the opportunity to sleep late, I am awake and feeling compelled to write about what happened about 10 pm or so in the eastern United States. An African-American became the President elect for the first time in the history of our country. A monumental, historical happening. And I watched and listened to John McCain give a moving concession speech. It actually made me cry. And then the journalists who commented on his speech said that the John McCain that they knew to be a public servant was the one who spoke last night and they don't know where that John McCAin has been these last few weeks (or months) of the election campaign. They said they believed if America had seen THAT John McCAin the election might have turned out differently. I can see why they would say that. I have a different view of him as a result of that speech that supposedly reflected the "true" John McCain.
Obama, in his acceptance speech, thanked heartily his campaign manager and some people he called strategists (or something like that), which made me realize that the election process really is a strategical "game" if you will. Yes the candidates have their ideas and opinions about how to lead the country or what needs fixing or whatever, and they each have their own personalities and character, but it really comes down to who played the game the best and Obama played a better game. That and I personally believe him to be an outstanding person who is very well equipped to lead our country in a positive direction. McCain said the failure to win was his own. I believe that the only reason he could take the blame for "failure" might be that he chose a campaign manager who advised him poorly. One that had him not be himself (note to self). That and choosing the running mate he did who was so divisive in my opinion by her name calling and such.
Now, I definitely have a higher opinion of John McCain now than I ever have before. The way he spoke about supporting his new president and hoping the other members of the republican party would do the same. It was very unifying. He seemed genuinely upset when his supporters booed at some things he said. The journalists commented about that as well, saying they thought it was unbecoming or poor sportsmanship (paraphrased).
I definitely feel a sense of hope regarding our country. With the historical results of this election our country has no other choice but to experience major change. And I am glad to be a part of it.
And as I said repeatedly last night "I so essited!" (I'm so excited) Woohoo!
Obama, in his acceptance speech, thanked heartily his campaign manager and some people he called strategists (or something like that), which made me realize that the election process really is a strategical "game" if you will. Yes the candidates have their ideas and opinions about how to lead the country or what needs fixing or whatever, and they each have their own personalities and character, but it really comes down to who played the game the best and Obama played a better game. That and I personally believe him to be an outstanding person who is very well equipped to lead our country in a positive direction. McCain said the failure to win was his own. I believe that the only reason he could take the blame for "failure" might be that he chose a campaign manager who advised him poorly. One that had him not be himself (note to self). That and choosing the running mate he did who was so divisive in my opinion by her name calling and such.
Now, I definitely have a higher opinion of John McCain now than I ever have before. The way he spoke about supporting his new president and hoping the other members of the republican party would do the same. It was very unifying. He seemed genuinely upset when his supporters booed at some things he said. The journalists commented about that as well, saying they thought it was unbecoming or poor sportsmanship (paraphrased).
I definitely feel a sense of hope regarding our country. With the historical results of this election our country has no other choice but to experience major change. And I am glad to be a part of it.
And as I said repeatedly last night "I so essited!" (I'm so excited) Woohoo!
Friday, 31 October 2008
The funny thing about brains
The funny thing about brains is that they don't want you to know that you can control the way they think sometimes. They take you down a path you think you want to go, or that you think you have to go and you feel an emotion as a result. I don't know if you feel the emotion first and then it goes down this path or vice versa. If you saw the movie "What the Bleep Do we Know" you will remember the party scene where they talk about messages going along the neurotransmitter pathways that are already there (some made by a sad thought some time in the past) and that to retrain your brain and to build new pathways you have to consciously think new thoughts, sometimes in the form of affirmations, to change habits your brain might be in. Yes, your brain has a mind of its own. Or at least it is prepared to run on autopilot unless you consciously decide to do otherwise with it.
I believe this is where I find myself. I know this because I have dealt with this before, but the brain is very sneaky and allows you to forget that you can CHOOSE to think other things (it is lazy and doesn't want to work). Although I came up with this re-realization yesterday, my sister lovingly reminded me again this morning in her comment about not dwelling on the hole. I love what she said about looking in the hole from the top and saying later "What the hell was I doing down there?" So, be patient with people who are in their deep, dark holes, and lovingly remind them of all the positive things in their life and remind them they have options (the brain wants you to forget that as well sometimes). I have a note on my mirror that says "Always look on the bright side of life". I just have to remember that even though my brain wants me to forget there is a bright side, there is one there. I have to search hard for it sometimes, but it is worth the effort.
Everything is going to be alright.
Jimmy Eat World said it perfectly just for me yesterday and I quote him (or the group) here:
This is not my video, so you don't have to leave me a message letting me know what you think about the song like it says on the screen. This is just so you can hear it. I didn't want to use the MTV video as it has people dancing around in their underwear.
I believe this is where I find myself. I know this because I have dealt with this before, but the brain is very sneaky and allows you to forget that you can CHOOSE to think other things (it is lazy and doesn't want to work). Although I came up with this re-realization yesterday, my sister lovingly reminded me again this morning in her comment about not dwelling on the hole. I love what she said about looking in the hole from the top and saying later "What the hell was I doing down there?" So, be patient with people who are in their deep, dark holes, and lovingly remind them of all the positive things in their life and remind them they have options (the brain wants you to forget that as well sometimes). I have a note on my mirror that says "Always look on the bright side of life". I just have to remember that even though my brain wants me to forget there is a bright side, there is one there. I have to search hard for it sometimes, but it is worth the effort.
Everything is going to be alright.
Jimmy Eat World said it perfectly just for me yesterday and I quote him (or the group) here:
The Middle
Written by by Jimmy Eat World
Hey, don't write yourself off yet
It's only in your head
You feel left out or looked down on
Just try your best, try everything you can
And don't you worry what they tell themselves
When you're away
It just takes some time, little girl
You're in the middle of the ride
Everything, everything will be just fine
Everything, everything will be all right, all right
Hey, you know they're all the same
You know you're doing better on your own
So don't buy in, live right now
Yeah, just be yourself
It doesn't matter if that's good enough for someone else
It just takes some time, little girl
You're in the middle of the ride
Everything, everything will be just fine
Everything, everything will be all right, all right
It just takes some time, little girl
You're in the middle of the ride
Everything, everything will be just fine
Everything, everything will be all right, all right
Hey, don't write yourself off yet
It's only in your head
You feel left out or looked down on
Just do your best, do everything you can
And don't you worry what the bitter hearts are gonna say
It just takes some time, little girl
You're in the middle of the ride
Everything, everything will be just fine
Everything, everything will be all right, all right
It just takes some time, little girl
You're in the middle of the ride
Everything, everything will be just fine
Everything, everything will be all right, all right
This is not my video, so you don't have to leave me a message letting me know what you think about the song like it says on the screen. This is just so you can hear it. I didn't want to use the MTV video as it has people dancing around in their underwear.
Wednesday, 29 October 2008
Sometimes it gets so dark
I have felt some really deep, extremely dark sadness periodically over the last few weeks. Do you know how that feels? To cry so often and so long and so loudly that you feel like you have to die in order to stop it? Have you ever said "I've had enough. I'm ready to move on," and then considered how you could accomplish "moving on"? Well, I have.
It is a very unpleasant place to be. A very lonely place to be. A scary place to be.
You feel like a loser just because you feel this sad. You feel like nobody would want to be around you at a time when you possibly need company the most. Company that will not make you feel worse for feeling bad in the first place. Company that will not say, "Just snap out of it!" Company that will not say, "You know what you need? You need blah blah blah...." Company that will just hold you and say, "I'm sorry you are sad. Everything will be ok. Hang in there." Company that will not abandon you just because you happen to be sad occasionally. Company that will not abandon you because you wanted to fix your house. Company that sees that you are working so hard to do the right things, to say the right things, to feel the right things, to know the right things, to be the right thing. Company that recognizes that you still make mistakes and forgives you for them and keeps on loving you.
People tell you that you are not a loser. That you are a wonderful person. But it doesn't mean a thing. They are not the ones you want to hear it from. Sorry, but true. Now logically I THINK I know this is wrong. But when you get to feeling this way logic is left behind.
I hate that cliche phrase, "I'm a glass-is-half-full person" that people say on their profiles quite often. Lah dee dah! Aren't YOU special? (church lady voice)
BUT, it is more pleasant to be that way. It is more pleasant, not necessarily more easy, but more pleasant to think like that. My counselor worded it this way to me one time: Why make yourself miserable by thinking negatively. Force yourself to think of a positive so that you feel better. In my words: FIGHT THE DEFAULT MODE YOU FIND YOURSELF IN! I just have to remember to do that. You wouldn't think it would be that hard, but it is.
Did you know the strongest people in the world are the people who feel like their only option to feeling better is death, and they choose to live instead? They are either strong or they are masochists (did I use the correct word?).
I was feeling pretty darn sad earlier today. But I picked a booger off a little girl's shirt and we laughed and I feel a teeny bit better. I sat and pondered for about 5 minutes all alone and realized I can get through this. I have to do it without meds 'cause I have no insurance or money, but I can do it because I know that I am supposed to and I almost always do what I am supposed to do. I'm just that way.
I apologize for making anyone else miserable while I sort things out. Just hang in there. Everything will be OK.
It is a very unpleasant place to be. A very lonely place to be. A scary place to be.
You feel like a loser just because you feel this sad. You feel like nobody would want to be around you at a time when you possibly need company the most. Company that will not make you feel worse for feeling bad in the first place. Company that will not say, "Just snap out of it!" Company that will not say, "You know what you need? You need blah blah blah...." Company that will just hold you and say, "I'm sorry you are sad. Everything will be ok. Hang in there." Company that will not abandon you just because you happen to be sad occasionally. Company that will not abandon you because you wanted to fix your house. Company that sees that you are working so hard to do the right things, to say the right things, to feel the right things, to know the right things, to be the right thing. Company that recognizes that you still make mistakes and forgives you for them and keeps on loving you.
People tell you that you are not a loser. That you are a wonderful person. But it doesn't mean a thing. They are not the ones you want to hear it from. Sorry, but true. Now logically I THINK I know this is wrong. But when you get to feeling this way logic is left behind.
I hate that cliche phrase, "I'm a glass-is-half-full person" that people say on their profiles quite often. Lah dee dah! Aren't YOU special? (church lady voice)
BUT, it is more pleasant to be that way. It is more pleasant, not necessarily more easy, but more pleasant to think like that. My counselor worded it this way to me one time: Why make yourself miserable by thinking negatively. Force yourself to think of a positive so that you feel better. In my words: FIGHT THE DEFAULT MODE YOU FIND YOURSELF IN! I just have to remember to do that. You wouldn't think it would be that hard, but it is.
Did you know the strongest people in the world are the people who feel like their only option to feeling better is death, and they choose to live instead? They are either strong or they are masochists (did I use the correct word?).
I was feeling pretty darn sad earlier today. But I picked a booger off a little girl's shirt and we laughed and I feel a teeny bit better. I sat and pondered for about 5 minutes all alone and realized I can get through this. I have to do it without meds 'cause I have no insurance or money, but I can do it because I know that I am supposed to and I almost always do what I am supposed to do. I'm just that way.
I apologize for making anyone else miserable while I sort things out. Just hang in there. Everything will be OK.
Saturday, 25 October 2008
Meditation
I wound up reading some blogs last night instead of going on to bed. And I did my meditating lying down in the bed in the dark and fell asleep.
I had a good day and a not so good day today. I had a leisurely morning. Called in sick to work (sort of). Mental health day is what I needed. Helped a relative. Did birthday shopping, talked to my sis on the phone while I was shopping for her present, framed a watercolor for another friend who helped me a while back and then I packaged it for shipping, had lunch with a friend, wrapped a birthday present, went to the surprise 40th birthday party at TGIF for Mary, drove my aunt home, came home briefly before going to a play with Lee and Hunter, where we met up with Lee's girlfriend and her son.
Yes. You heard right. This is the part where it starts being a not so good day. Listened to Lee praise attributes of his girlfriend while we were driving out to Christ School. My options, though, were to stay at home alone where I would have cried about being home alone, or going along and seeing him with her. I did not expect that he would be saying nice things about her to me on the trip. He said a nice thing about me, too, when he realized what he had done.
I am here now with Hunter, though, while he sews the vinyl version of the vest. We are listening to Hunter's Jango stations. I thought I was going to write a poem about pain, but I decided to blog instead for now. Maybe later I will be able to put my thoughts into poem form.
Or maybe I'll just try to think about something else instead. Get off of the "pain" track.
Sad songs they say soo much (that's the song playing at the moment--Elton John).
later.....
I had a good day and a not so good day today. I had a leisurely morning. Called in sick to work (sort of). Mental health day is what I needed. Helped a relative. Did birthday shopping, talked to my sis on the phone while I was shopping for her present, framed a watercolor for another friend who helped me a while back and then I packaged it for shipping, had lunch with a friend, wrapped a birthday present, went to the surprise 40th birthday party at TGIF for Mary, drove my aunt home, came home briefly before going to a play with Lee and Hunter, where we met up with Lee's girlfriend and her son.
Yes. You heard right. This is the part where it starts being a not so good day. Listened to Lee praise attributes of his girlfriend while we were driving out to Christ School. My options, though, were to stay at home alone where I would have cried about being home alone, or going along and seeing him with her. I did not expect that he would be saying nice things about her to me on the trip. He said a nice thing about me, too, when he realized what he had done.
I am here now with Hunter, though, while he sews the vinyl version of the vest. We are listening to Hunter's Jango stations. I thought I was going to write a poem about pain, but I decided to blog instead for now. Maybe later I will be able to put my thoughts into poem form.
Or maybe I'll just try to think about something else instead. Get off of the "pain" track.
Sad songs they say soo much (that's the song playing at the moment--Elton John).
later.....
Friday, 24 October 2008
The artists way
That's a book I haven't read. Someone was telling me about it tonight. The author says to write 3 pages every morning (or sometime during the day) just to keep writer's block from occurring. I got all depressed just hearing about that knowing that it would take me over an hour probably to write that much and I don't have an hour every day just to write. I mean it. I did get to watch my favorite TV show tonight though (an hour). And I thought I would try to write some, though not three pages, even though I really need to brush my teeth, pray and go to sleep so that I can get up early enough tomorrow to get some things done before working at noon for a few hours. It's another weekend of only having one full day off. Yay!
I said I was going to try to be more optimistic, so I better work on that. To get that started I think I will end this post and get ready for bed. I would rather spend 20 extra minutes meditating rather than writing nonsense.
I said I was going to try to be more optimistic, so I better work on that. To get that started I think I will end this post and get ready for bed. I would rather spend 20 extra minutes meditating rather than writing nonsense.
Thursday, 23 October 2008
Popcorn is GOOD! Smells so corny when it is popping. Crunches so nicely between the molars....mmmmmm........salty......lick my fingers clean!
Ok, that's my small attempt at creative writing for the time being. Good thing I don't have to do that for a living....
Hunter is custom making a vest for a friend for her Halloween costume. He has already made (as in found and bought the materials and sewn them up) an Indiana Jones bag to go with his own costume. He LOVES making things. Always has, in fact, watching him make the miniature paper version of what he plans to make out of vinyl reminds me of when he was a youngster and would spend time cutting and taping paper together into the most unusual items; a toolbox with tools, etc.
He was doing geometry even back then before he knew what it was. He is a left-brained introvert and he amazes me with his perseverance in these creative pursuits. I have been known to be like that when I was inspired. Like when I made theme birthday cakes for my kids (ghostbusters, or pound puppies, candy land or pirates,) and like when I painted designs on a t-shirt for them for their birthday beginning with a strawberry explosion from the book Jamberry for Ian's 2nd birthday. Man, those were the days! I loved having time to do those things. I miss that.
I was blessed to be able to do that. I know that.
Now I want to buy a $2600 1979 RV and go traveling across the country.....but I don't like driving.....hmmmmm..... who likes to drive?
All I have to do is sell my condo and all its contents and use that money to travel on.
It's a thought. And when I run out of money I will hook up to a camp ground and sell my body to buy groceries and camp space........Just kidding of course........I would steal the groceries.
Ok, that's my small attempt at creative writing for the time being. Good thing I don't have to do that for a living....
Hunter is custom making a vest for a friend for her Halloween costume. He has already made (as in found and bought the materials and sewn them up) an Indiana Jones bag to go with his own costume. He LOVES making things. Always has, in fact, watching him make the miniature paper version of what he plans to make out of vinyl reminds me of when he was a youngster and would spend time cutting and taping paper together into the most unusual items; a toolbox with tools, etc.
He was doing geometry even back then before he knew what it was. He is a left-brained introvert and he amazes me with his perseverance in these creative pursuits. I have been known to be like that when I was inspired. Like when I made theme birthday cakes for my kids (ghostbusters, or pound puppies, candy land or pirates,) and like when I painted designs on a t-shirt for them for their birthday beginning with a strawberry explosion from the book Jamberry for Ian's 2nd birthday. Man, those were the days! I loved having time to do those things. I miss that.
I was blessed to be able to do that. I know that.
Now I want to buy a $2600 1979 RV and go traveling across the country.....but I don't like driving.....hmmmmm..... who likes to drive?
All I have to do is sell my condo and all its contents and use that money to travel on.
It's a thought. And when I run out of money I will hook up to a camp ground and sell my body to buy groceries and camp space........Just kidding of course........I would steal the groceries.
Friday, 17 October 2008
Nothing to say
It is strange to think that I feel like I have nothing to say. Yet, I am writing anyway. I am envious of Mary having 4 days off in a row. Though I don't work 12 hour days or even more than 3 eight hour days a week, I do have some work almost every day even if just a few hours. And I haven't had a week off in years or at least it feels that way. As opposed to not having a job at all I can't complain though. I have missed my last two watercolor classes. Week before last it was because I was headed over there after work and as I was driving out of the parking lot here I suddenly just felt so exhausted that the thought of arriving in class late and setting up in the middle of everybody already being there and the teacher in the middle of a lesson, just made me turn around and come right back. (It was an introvert moment).
Then, this past Monday I was feeling about the same, but I went over there anyway and got into the class (there were no tables left, though I was invited to share one with someone, but the lesson was a still life where tedious drawing was going to be involved and I just couldn't mentally handle it (felt like I would burst out crying in the middle of class) so I just picked up my stuff and came home.
Going to counseling right after work is one thing, but having to do something difficult after a long day at work and no time for dinner before just isn't a good combination for me.
Then, last night I realized I had a credit card bill that was due that day and it took me an hour to get it paid and sorted out (from 11pm to midnight) so that I didn't incur a late fee. Long story about setting up an online acct to pay it and having difficulties because I was using Mozilla instead of Internet "Exposure" as the Indian tech called it at first. That was part of the problem too...automated systems and not being able to talk to a live person...HUGE PET PEEVE of mine.
Broke down and cried during THAT procedure....Hunter took pity on me (that or he was in a hurry to get online himself) and helped me a little.
Today, Friday checked my email and discovered I had missed my haircut appt yesterday. I am so scattered! I can't keep anything straight anymore! Well, things at work, yes, but things at home?....I am just so tired at the end of a day (mostly mentally) that I just don't want to do more business or work.
I miss having someone to share the load.....
And it seems when I do get someone interested in me they are not helpful at all but needy and I just don't have it to give (even to myself).
I missed calling Dad on his birthday...So sorry Dad! I did think of you, but couldn't call right then and then spaced it out. Not really like me to be so spacey. I need more R&R.
Feeling like withdrawing again. I talked to a friend who is a marriage and family therapist for two hours on Sunday (Jackie Hicks Najafian says hi to Mary and Bonnie!) and it was helpful in a lot of ways. She says it sounds like I still have much healing to do. I think I agree. Though I don't remember EVER feeling like I've had my act together, I hope that one day I will. It is a process (yes, everyone says "that's life!" but it is harder for some people than others simply because of their wiring). Every once in a while I don't feel like life is a huge struggle, but most days it is difficult to pull myself out of bed to take care of another family to keep their life running smoothly when I don't have the energy after that to even relax.
In about an hour I will be going to the high school to pick up Chase (missing the one show I look forward to watching, literally). I enjoyed watching him march and dance tonight at the pregame ceremonies for the homecoming game. I feel such immense pride for his accomplishments and such admiration for his character. All my kids are most excellent human beings.
Now, if I could just see as much positive in myself as I do them.....
Then, this past Monday I was feeling about the same, but I went over there anyway and got into the class (there were no tables left, though I was invited to share one with someone, but the lesson was a still life where tedious drawing was going to be involved and I just couldn't mentally handle it (felt like I would burst out crying in the middle of class) so I just picked up my stuff and came home.
Going to counseling right after work is one thing, but having to do something difficult after a long day at work and no time for dinner before just isn't a good combination for me.
Then, last night I realized I had a credit card bill that was due that day and it took me an hour to get it paid and sorted out (from 11pm to midnight) so that I didn't incur a late fee. Long story about setting up an online acct to pay it and having difficulties because I was using Mozilla instead of Internet "Exposure" as the Indian tech called it at first. That was part of the problem too...automated systems and not being able to talk to a live person...HUGE PET PEEVE of mine.
Broke down and cried during THAT procedure....Hunter took pity on me (that or he was in a hurry to get online himself) and helped me a little.
Today, Friday checked my email and discovered I had missed my haircut appt yesterday. I am so scattered! I can't keep anything straight anymore! Well, things at work, yes, but things at home?....I am just so tired at the end of a day (mostly mentally) that I just don't want to do more business or work.
I miss having someone to share the load.....
And it seems when I do get someone interested in me they are not helpful at all but needy and I just don't have it to give (even to myself).
I missed calling Dad on his birthday...So sorry Dad! I did think of you, but couldn't call right then and then spaced it out. Not really like me to be so spacey. I need more R&R.
Feeling like withdrawing again. I talked to a friend who is a marriage and family therapist for two hours on Sunday (Jackie Hicks Najafian says hi to Mary and Bonnie!) and it was helpful in a lot of ways. She says it sounds like I still have much healing to do. I think I agree. Though I don't remember EVER feeling like I've had my act together, I hope that one day I will. It is a process (yes, everyone says "that's life!" but it is harder for some people than others simply because of their wiring). Every once in a while I don't feel like life is a huge struggle, but most days it is difficult to pull myself out of bed to take care of another family to keep their life running smoothly when I don't have the energy after that to even relax.
In about an hour I will be going to the high school to pick up Chase (missing the one show I look forward to watching, literally). I enjoyed watching him march and dance tonight at the pregame ceremonies for the homecoming game. I feel such immense pride for his accomplishments and such admiration for his character. All my kids are most excellent human beings.
Now, if I could just see as much positive in myself as I do them.....
Monday, 29 September 2008
for a good laugh
If you want a good laugh, please go and look at the comments on my post "My turn to try it".
It's a hoot (if you get it).
It's a hoot (if you get it).
Thursday, 25 September 2008
Out of touch
I'm sorry to be so out of touch with everyone recently. I am reading a great book that Hunter checked out of the AB-Tech library called "The Introvert Advantage: How to Thrive in an Extrovert world." I have also been reading a book someone lent me called "Controlling People: How to Recognize, Understand, and Deal with People Who Try to Control You" .
Does anyone remember me writing a post one time about being self-centered or self-absorbed and how I wanted to try to change that? Well, according to this book about Introverts that is really a trait of introverts. A trait that is not necessarily bad. Here is what the author, Marti Olsen Laney, Psy.D, says: "Let's now take aim at two of the most common charges lobbed at introverts--that they are self-centered and unsociable. It's easy to see why introverts can appear self-absorbed or uninterested, because we shut down external stimulation when we have had enough. Why? We need to compare external experiences to our own internal experience, attempting to understand new information. We think "How did that experience affect me?"
Rather than being self-centered, introverts are often really the opposite. Our ability to focus on our internal world and reflect on what we are feeling and experiencing allows us to understand the external world and other human beings better. What appears to be self-centeredness is actually the vary talent that provides the capacity to understand what it's like to put ourselves in someone else's shoes."
This was very affirming to hear for me. I have felt guilty for too long for being what I have considered to be self-absorbed or self-centered. It is nice to hear that in this case this trait is not "selfish".
Another interesting thing, an analogy, is that only about 25% of the population is introverted. One doctor quoted in the book said that the introverts are like the advisor class and the extroverts are like the warrior class (the doers). The warriors need counsel from the advisors, and the advisors need warriors to take action and make things happen. (there is much more to this than I am including here)
They later say that introverts often feel unheard or unseen. I think this is because an extrovert will run with the idea of an introvert and because of their nature of getting attention the idea will get noticed more. I totally identified with that.
The book is written for introverts to understand themselves and recognize they are OK being the way they are and that there are positive aspects to being introverted. But the author recommends that extroverts read the book as well, to help them understand the minority population and what they have to deal with living in an extroverted world. If you are extroverted you might well be saying "Give me a BREAK!" but that is exactly why you should read this and try to understand a little better.
Anyway, as has been mentioned by someone in the family already (Bonnie or Tag) when this was brought up before, there is a continuum of introversion and extroversion and people fall somewhere on that continuum and not everyone is extremely one way or the other.
I found it interesting also that not all introverts are shy and some extroverts are. It is a fascinating topic in my opinion, but then I'm an introvert and I like to understand things in great detail. Extroverts = breadth, introverts= depth.
Fascinating! All this reading and reflecting recharges me!
Does anyone remember me writing a post one time about being self-centered or self-absorbed and how I wanted to try to change that? Well, according to this book about Introverts that is really a trait of introverts. A trait that is not necessarily bad. Here is what the author, Marti Olsen Laney, Psy.D, says: "Let's now take aim at two of the most common charges lobbed at introverts--that they are self-centered and unsociable. It's easy to see why introverts can appear self-absorbed or uninterested, because we shut down external stimulation when we have had enough. Why? We need to compare external experiences to our own internal experience, attempting to understand new information. We think "How did that experience affect me?"
Rather than being self-centered, introverts are often really the opposite. Our ability to focus on our internal world and reflect on what we are feeling and experiencing allows us to understand the external world and other human beings better. What appears to be self-centeredness is actually the vary talent that provides the capacity to understand what it's like to put ourselves in someone else's shoes."
This was very affirming to hear for me. I have felt guilty for too long for being what I have considered to be self-absorbed or self-centered. It is nice to hear that in this case this trait is not "selfish".
Another interesting thing, an analogy, is that only about 25% of the population is introverted. One doctor quoted in the book said that the introverts are like the advisor class and the extroverts are like the warrior class (the doers). The warriors need counsel from the advisors, and the advisors need warriors to take action and make things happen. (there is much more to this than I am including here)
They later say that introverts often feel unheard or unseen. I think this is because an extrovert will run with the idea of an introvert and because of their nature of getting attention the idea will get noticed more. I totally identified with that.
The book is written for introverts to understand themselves and recognize they are OK being the way they are and that there are positive aspects to being introverted. But the author recommends that extroverts read the book as well, to help them understand the minority population and what they have to deal with living in an extroverted world. If you are extroverted you might well be saying "Give me a BREAK!" but that is exactly why you should read this and try to understand a little better.
Anyway, as has been mentioned by someone in the family already (Bonnie or Tag) when this was brought up before, there is a continuum of introversion and extroversion and people fall somewhere on that continuum and not everyone is extremely one way or the other.
I found it interesting also that not all introverts are shy and some extroverts are. It is a fascinating topic in my opinion, but then I'm an introvert and I like to understand things in great detail. Extroverts = breadth, introverts= depth.
Fascinating! All this reading and reflecting recharges me!
Tuesday, 16 September 2008
Painting again!
I enrolled in a watercolor painting class again and went to MY first class yesterday, I missedTHE first class due to a previous commitment. This was a different teacher than last time and she does things totally different from the last teacher. I actually like her a lot. Paula Parker is her name. We did more actual painting and learning techniques in this one class than I remember doing the whole time in my last class. It was fun!
I remember one of our first projects in the class before was a still life and you have to be able to draw the things you see in front of you. And then we painted them but hadn't really done much experimenting first and I got soo frustrated that it was supposed to look like something when we didn't yet know what we were doing.
Yesterday's class was more abstract. In case you don't know, watercolor is one of the harder mediums to work with, but also one of the most versatile in the things you can do with it. You can paint light and watery, or dark, you can paint exact lines or blurry lines. One thing you must do if you don't want your colors to bleed into each other is to let an area dry first and then you can paint next to it.
We did a resistance thing where we drew on the paper with a white crayon and then painted over it, but the paint doesn't go where the crayon is, so it leaves whatever design you drew or makes it appear magically.
Pretty cool.
I remember one of our first projects in the class before was a still life and you have to be able to draw the things you see in front of you. And then we painted them but hadn't really done much experimenting first and I got soo frustrated that it was supposed to look like something when we didn't yet know what we were doing.
Yesterday's class was more abstract. In case you don't know, watercolor is one of the harder mediums to work with, but also one of the most versatile in the things you can do with it. You can paint light and watery, or dark, you can paint exact lines or blurry lines. One thing you must do if you don't want your colors to bleed into each other is to let an area dry first and then you can paint next to it.
We did a resistance thing where we drew on the paper with a white crayon and then painted over it, but the paint doesn't go where the crayon is, so it leaves whatever design you drew or makes it appear magically.
Pretty cool.
Saturday, 13 September 2008
One heck of a day
Ok, it is after midnight so even though technically it is Saturday and this will post as if written on Saturday, to me it is Friday night. This day started off with me not even getting to bed till 2:30 in the morning. I had spent some miserable time alone (had declined an invitation to play games with S and K and N and B thinking at that time I had to be at work by 8:30am) and was still awake when E got home at about 12:30am. He consoled me for about an hour and a half which is why I didn't get to bed until 2:30am.
I feel so lucky to have him for a son and to have had him with me last night. What a blessing. The people who understand depressed people the most are ones who have been there. I won't go into detail about how I'm feeling now or then as it just doesn't need to be talked about here (or maybe anywhere). I have things I need to do. Thoughts I need to think and a few I don't need to think.
I awoke at about 7:50 am with my eyes still a bit swollen. I didn't need to be at work until 9:30 this morning. I had a short day at my main place of work. I ran two errands with Pookie in tow (one was grocery shopping) and cooked three things for the people I work for and washed two loads of clothes for them. Left at a little after two to swing by the bank and go to my second job for a few hours.
My car, which has been dying on me and/or not starting for the last couple of weeks died on me and didn't restart right before I got to the bank. I walked to the bank to make my deposit hoping that the car would start when I got back (it usually does after sitting for a little while or whenever it decides to). It didn't and I was supposed to be in North Asheville by 3pm to pick up my charge from her school. Her parents, who actually work not too far from where I was stranded, had known about my car situation and had told me to call them if I had a problem so I did. The dad came to pick me up, I dropped him back off and took his car to pick up his daughter.
I planned to get help from one of the kids with the car after I got off work or call AAA if necessary. I called H on the way to P's house to see if he would be able to help me later and he said yes. So, I get to the school, pick up P and take her to her house. I called the dealership to ask them some questions about my car and while I was talking to them a restricted call came in which I didn't answer. I got off the phone with them and got another call, didn't recognize the number but answered it anyway. It was the police who had found my car and wanted me to get it moved right away as it was "in the middle of the road and a busy intersection" (it was not in the middle). If I couldn't get it moved they would have to tow it which would be a pain in the butt as well as expensive to retrieve.
I explained that I had planned to take care of it as soon as I got off of work and due to the nature of my work would not necessarily be able to drive back over there in their car (the parents) and on their time and with their child (which I decided already I would not charge them for). I said I had AAA and could get it towed to the dealership, but he said it takes too long sometimes for AAA to respond. I asked him if I could find out how long it might take and get back to him. He said OK. Maybe he suggested it, I don't remember. So, at one point I was on both phones at the same time (on hold with AAA and calling the police officer to make sure he didn't tow my car from it taking me so long). I got emotional with the AAA person (I've been very emotional lately anyway) and she was willing to make calls to see how quickly someone would be able to get to my car. In the meantime, P had to go potty and was telling me she wanted to change her clothes and on the way to the bathroom I noticed a pile of dog poop on the carpet. Later I realized there were two piles.
I am still negotiating on the phone with AAA and the police. AAA said they would need my keys to tow the car. So, I had to get a hold of the parents to ask if I could use their car and take their child back over to my car which they agreed to. C had called me during the other phone calls. I called C on the way back to my car to see if he could meet me there. He had called me to say that AAA had called the house saying they would need my keys and I told him I had already talked to someone and was on my way there. If anyone called back tell them I was on the way with the keys.
The parents had already determined or decided that they would leave work at 4:20 which was about the time the tow truck was loading my car. C followed me to their work and I gave them their daughter and their car. I got in C's car and on the way to the video game store I noticed he was close to empty and I had heard about two hours before that Asheville was running out of gas and the price would go up to $5 /gal on Saturday so I told him I'd buy him some gas (he had said he didn't have any money and would get it later). I encouraged him to do it now at the first place that didn't have a long line. It was $3.99 a gal.
We went back home, he left shortly to go to the school for marching band (football game). I walked and fed the dog. Then L, H and W (L's girlfriend's son) came by with a new microwave for me (L got a floor model real cheap for me, very thoughtful). We went to the game and they came by afterwards to install it. It was almost exactly like the other one, just a different color of white, and a few less bells and whistles, but the price was right.
While they were installing it, a dear friend, M, called and offered a car for me to use until I get mine back to running. I was going to use the one C has been driving, which was one of L's, and that was nice, but when school starts on Monday he will need it since there is no bus from either of our houses to the school. So, that is one less thing to stress about.
Oh, we lost the football game 33 to 3 or something ridiculous like that against Charlotte Christian School or Academy.
I cleaned my kitchen, washed and dried some clothes and began to write this post. I know I left a lot out, but that's ok. You get the gyst (sp?) of it all and now it is 1:10am (I began writing at 12:15).
E is hanging out with his longtime friend T and they are looking at funny videos online.
Guess I'll close for now. Bad, stressful things and good, thoughtful things all combined to form my day. I guess I should count my blessings.
I feel so lucky to have him for a son and to have had him with me last night. What a blessing. The people who understand depressed people the most are ones who have been there. I won't go into detail about how I'm feeling now or then as it just doesn't need to be talked about here (or maybe anywhere). I have things I need to do. Thoughts I need to think and a few I don't need to think.
I awoke at about 7:50 am with my eyes still a bit swollen. I didn't need to be at work until 9:30 this morning. I had a short day at my main place of work. I ran two errands with Pookie in tow (one was grocery shopping) and cooked three things for the people I work for and washed two loads of clothes for them. Left at a little after two to swing by the bank and go to my second job for a few hours.
My car, which has been dying on me and/or not starting for the last couple of weeks died on me and didn't restart right before I got to the bank. I walked to the bank to make my deposit hoping that the car would start when I got back (it usually does after sitting for a little while or whenever it decides to). It didn't and I was supposed to be in North Asheville by 3pm to pick up my charge from her school. Her parents, who actually work not too far from where I was stranded, had known about my car situation and had told me to call them if I had a problem so I did. The dad came to pick me up, I dropped him back off and took his car to pick up his daughter.
I planned to get help from one of the kids with the car after I got off work or call AAA if necessary. I called H on the way to P's house to see if he would be able to help me later and he said yes. So, I get to the school, pick up P and take her to her house. I called the dealership to ask them some questions about my car and while I was talking to them a restricted call came in which I didn't answer. I got off the phone with them and got another call, didn't recognize the number but answered it anyway. It was the police who had found my car and wanted me to get it moved right away as it was "in the middle of the road and a busy intersection" (it was not in the middle). If I couldn't get it moved they would have to tow it which would be a pain in the butt as well as expensive to retrieve.
I explained that I had planned to take care of it as soon as I got off of work and due to the nature of my work would not necessarily be able to drive back over there in their car (the parents) and on their time and with their child (which I decided already I would not charge them for). I said I had AAA and could get it towed to the dealership, but he said it takes too long sometimes for AAA to respond. I asked him if I could find out how long it might take and get back to him. He said OK. Maybe he suggested it, I don't remember. So, at one point I was on both phones at the same time (on hold with AAA and calling the police officer to make sure he didn't tow my car from it taking me so long). I got emotional with the AAA person (I've been very emotional lately anyway) and she was willing to make calls to see how quickly someone would be able to get to my car. In the meantime, P had to go potty and was telling me she wanted to change her clothes and on the way to the bathroom I noticed a pile of dog poop on the carpet. Later I realized there were two piles.
I am still negotiating on the phone with AAA and the police. AAA said they would need my keys to tow the car. So, I had to get a hold of the parents to ask if I could use their car and take their child back over to my car which they agreed to. C had called me during the other phone calls. I called C on the way back to my car to see if he could meet me there. He had called me to say that AAA had called the house saying they would need my keys and I told him I had already talked to someone and was on my way there. If anyone called back tell them I was on the way with the keys.
The parents had already determined or decided that they would leave work at 4:20 which was about the time the tow truck was loading my car. C followed me to their work and I gave them their daughter and their car. I got in C's car and on the way to the video game store I noticed he was close to empty and I had heard about two hours before that Asheville was running out of gas and the price would go up to $5 /gal on Saturday so I told him I'd buy him some gas (he had said he didn't have any money and would get it later). I encouraged him to do it now at the first place that didn't have a long line. It was $3.99 a gal.
We went back home, he left shortly to go to the school for marching band (football game). I walked and fed the dog. Then L, H and W (L's girlfriend's son) came by with a new microwave for me (L got a floor model real cheap for me, very thoughtful). We went to the game and they came by afterwards to install it. It was almost exactly like the other one, just a different color of white, and a few less bells and whistles, but the price was right.
While they were installing it, a dear friend, M, called and offered a car for me to use until I get mine back to running. I was going to use the one C has been driving, which was one of L's, and that was nice, but when school starts on Monday he will need it since there is no bus from either of our houses to the school. So, that is one less thing to stress about.
Oh, we lost the football game 33 to 3 or something ridiculous like that against Charlotte Christian School or Academy.
I cleaned my kitchen, washed and dried some clothes and began to write this post. I know I left a lot out, but that's ok. You get the gyst (sp?) of it all and now it is 1:10am (I began writing at 12:15).
E is hanging out with his longtime friend T and they are looking at funny videos online.
Guess I'll close for now. Bad, stressful things and good, thoughtful things all combined to form my day. I guess I should count my blessings.
Wednesday, 10 September 2008
My turn to try it
There once was a mother so dear
Who said please lend me your ear
I have limericks for you
Oh yes I sure do
But you may not read them I fear
Who said please lend me your ear
I have limericks for you
Oh yes I sure do
But you may not read them I fear
update
Hello, I still don't have any grandchildren.
The boys are going to work and school.
I go to work. It's a boring job.
My car is still not working.
My laptop has a virus.
My neck still hurts.
Dazey chewed the corner off a sofa pillow.
I got to sleep till 8:30 this morning.
Yesterday I walked and talked with Sherry after I got my haircut.
I picked up Asaka food for Hunter and myself at 8 pm after the walk and talk.
The boys are going to work and school.
I go to work. It's a boring job.
My car is still not working.
My laptop has a virus.
My neck still hurts.
Dazey chewed the corner off a sofa pillow.
I got to sleep till 8:30 this morning.
Yesterday I walked and talked with Sherry after I got my haircut.
I picked up Asaka food for Hunter and myself at 8 pm after the walk and talk.
Sunday, 7 September 2008
Death
Do you ever wonder? One of my enneagrams is thinker or questioner. I think it is my number one trait. I sometimes wonder why certain things happen certain ways. Perception and perspective are all relative. So, here are some ironic things for me recently. First, maybe it is because I am getting older so my friends are older and the people we know are older, etc, but I am more aware of many people I know who have cancer and many who are dying or have died recently. More than at any other time in my life. I already mentioned in an older post on my other blog about all the people I know who have some serious illness. In July, a Bahai I had known since I was a child passed away from complications of diabetes. I attended his memorial service. Several weeks later, maybe a month, the step-father of a dear friend passed away. I attended his funeral. The next weekend, the people I work for had their old dog put down. I got to say goodbye to him just a few minutes before and then took care of the daughter that weekend while the rest of the family grieved. Four days later, this past Tuesday, another dear friend of mine's father passed away. Then my car starts dying while I drive it. I also need new tires. I call the tire guy about tires and he asks me what size, so I pull off the road and park in front of the home of a friend nearby who is not home. While I am looking on the door to see my tire size I hear a noise behind me and turn around to see a rabbit fleeing a cat. The rabbit spastically jumps off the bank onto the road and flops around trying to get away. I wonder if it has broken its leg from the jump. I feel bad for the rabbit, but don't know what I can do. The cat disappears. I manage to follow the rabbit and get close enough to see that it has been injured on its neck. Most likely it is dying. I cry. I don't know what I should do if anything. It is a wild animal. Should I let nature take its course? Was I there to intervene, or was I there just to witness? What is the lesson? I left in tears. Left God to take care of it. Thursday I went to "the wake" for my friend's father. Friday, my car is still dying and I cannot go to work. Saturday, while cleaning the Baha'i Center, I find a dead hummingbird on the floor in our meeting room. I guess it had gotten in somehow and couldn't get out. Once again, I cried. I cry a lot these days.
So, I wonder. I wonder why I am being exposed to so much death and grief and pain so much right now. What is the lesson?
Maybe I am supposed to get the message that I am supposed to die. I don't mean my body, though I have felt sad enough recently to wish it so. I posted those thoughts briefly on my old blog. Took them off right away. I mean literally a minute didn't elapse before I removed it. Didn't really want anyone to worry about me.
No, I think my "self" needs to die. My insistent self. My ego, in other words. Did you know that is one of the hardest things to kill? One of the hardest things to let go of? One of the hardest things to surrender? I wonder if I can do it? I feel like I have been trying for years. Have not had success yet. How long will it take? It is not going without a fight. I believe I will not have true peace until I do. Until I release myself from self.
Is writing about myself, self-centered? Should I stop writing? Stop blogging? How do I stop thinking about myself yet take care of myself? These are all rhetorical questions. I am not asking for answers from anyone, though comments are welcome. Just don't feel like you have to respond just because I am asking questions. They are things I ponder. Maybe you do, too.
If I think about it, I am actually sick and tired of my self. It is depressing. Self consumes too much of my time and energy. Unproductive use of time and energy. Gonna keep trying to replace it with thoughtfulness of others.
Well, wish me luck!
So, I wonder. I wonder why I am being exposed to so much death and grief and pain so much right now. What is the lesson?
Maybe I am supposed to get the message that I am supposed to die. I don't mean my body, though I have felt sad enough recently to wish it so. I posted those thoughts briefly on my old blog. Took them off right away. I mean literally a minute didn't elapse before I removed it. Didn't really want anyone to worry about me.
No, I think my "self" needs to die. My insistent self. My ego, in other words. Did you know that is one of the hardest things to kill? One of the hardest things to let go of? One of the hardest things to surrender? I wonder if I can do it? I feel like I have been trying for years. Have not had success yet. How long will it take? It is not going without a fight. I believe I will not have true peace until I do. Until I release myself from self.
Is writing about myself, self-centered? Should I stop writing? Stop blogging? How do I stop thinking about myself yet take care of myself? These are all rhetorical questions. I am not asking for answers from anyone, though comments are welcome. Just don't feel like you have to respond just because I am asking questions. They are things I ponder. Maybe you do, too.
If I think about it, I am actually sick and tired of my self. It is depressing. Self consumes too much of my time and energy. Unproductive use of time and energy. Gonna keep trying to replace it with thoughtfulness of others.
Well, wish me luck!
Thursday, 4 September 2008
Hi, I went to an expensive doctor today to get a biopsy of the lump in my neck. $310!!! Turns out the reason the lump is tender or painful to the touch is because it is on or around a nerve. So, when he stuck the needle in there I felt nerve pain in my neck and back and arm A LOT and I screamed.
He is thinking he did not get enough tissue to get an accurate pathology report, but he will send it off anyway. I am due to see him again on Dad's birthday. But in the meantime I will get in touch with the health department again and see if they can assist me. Last time I went I still made too much money to get any kind of break. But maybe since I may need MRIs and other things like that they might be able to help me.
Cause I think I will skip an MRI depending on how much it costs and just live with the lump and the pain and hope it eventually goes away or at least doesn't get worse. It usually only hurts when I touch it or sometimes turn my head. I can live with that for now.
Maybe I should also see about the eye exam at the health dept too. I need new glasses or something. I can't see anymore. But good news. While I was at the Head, Neck and Ear surgeons today he removed a huge chunk of earwax from one of my ears and I can hear better! That is nice. So, I ain't got no money, but I bribed my kids to read the book I said I was going to demand they read by telling them I would give them $20 each after they read it. Hunter started it right away. He is halfway through and says he is about to give up on the $20 because it is not worth it. He is just being difficult. He's just getting to the good part!
I went straight from work to a visitation an hour away for my friend whose father passed on Tuesday and as I arrived back home I got a pix message of Bonnie's newest grandbaby. Bonnie hadn't even seen her yet, was only passing along the picture she had gotten on her phone. Baby weighs 7 lbs. 7 oz. born via c-section due to pre-eclampsia and butt first breech positioning.
I'm sure Bonnie will have more details on her blog soon. Check it out.
He is thinking he did not get enough tissue to get an accurate pathology report, but he will send it off anyway. I am due to see him again on Dad's birthday. But in the meantime I will get in touch with the health department again and see if they can assist me. Last time I went I still made too much money to get any kind of break. But maybe since I may need MRIs and other things like that they might be able to help me.
Cause I think I will skip an MRI depending on how much it costs and just live with the lump and the pain and hope it eventually goes away or at least doesn't get worse. It usually only hurts when I touch it or sometimes turn my head. I can live with that for now.
Maybe I should also see about the eye exam at the health dept too. I need new glasses or something. I can't see anymore. But good news. While I was at the Head, Neck and Ear surgeons today he removed a huge chunk of earwax from one of my ears and I can hear better! That is nice. So, I ain't got no money, but I bribed my kids to read the book I said I was going to demand they read by telling them I would give them $20 each after they read it. Hunter started it right away. He is halfway through and says he is about to give up on the $20 because it is not worth it. He is just being difficult. He's just getting to the good part!
I went straight from work to a visitation an hour away for my friend whose father passed on Tuesday and as I arrived back home I got a pix message of Bonnie's newest grandbaby. Bonnie hadn't even seen her yet, was only passing along the picture she had gotten on her phone. Baby weighs 7 lbs. 7 oz. born via c-section due to pre-eclampsia and butt first breech positioning.
I'm sure Bonnie will have more details on her blog soon. Check it out.
Wednesday, 3 September 2008
Someone named Amir took this picture of Jamie and me when I went to the singing devotional in "a nearby town". I was saying something when he snapped it, so my mouth is not smiling. I had a really good time drumming, but my hands are not conditioned for it. They are not calloused enough and I felt like I was going to pop a blood vessel. I have actually done that before when playing. So, I played easy rather than all out like Jamie did and does. I broke a blood vessel in my finger recently just trying to open something. It doesn't seem to take much.I am looking forward to going again in a month. I can't believe how much I look forward to it. It is weird really. Weird, but not. Because those folks are so warm and reading the prayers while someone plays the piano (it could be any soothing instrument), is soo moving! People just spoke or prayed from their soul. We sang some spirituals (I call them that). You know, the call and response or echo songs. The one that I remember the most is called "Done made my vow to the Lord!" I wish it was the last Sunday already!
Monday, 1 September 2008
Best Book!
I am in the middle almost exactly, of one of the best books (and I have read many) on the subject of dating/courtship/finding a marriage partner, etc. It is called Conscious Courtship: finding someone to love for the rest of your life by Raymond Switzer. In fact I think I will demand that my sons read this book as soon as possible. If I had had access to this book when I was a teenager I think it would or could have made such a difference in my life. I cannot say that I have read a book or anything else that I can say this about. Maybe I'm just in a place in my life where life experiences help me to see the wisdom in it. I don't know.
But if you or someone you know is wanting to eventually get married, I highly, highly recommend this book. I could have been saved some heartache if I had read this book a year ago.
I think. I would hope anyway.
I guess that's all for now. I'm going to get back to my reading!
Oh, but before I do, I also wanted to say how my trip to the nearby town went yesterday.
I went to "a nearby town" about an hour drive from here to visit their Bahai community. I had such a wonderful time. I took my African drum with me and we did drumming and singing and praying to piano music. It moved me to tears. It fed my soul! It was sooooo nice! They do that type of devotional once a month and I plan to try to go every month now, even though it uses a lot of gas for me. I will see if anyone wants to go with me next time and we can maybe share the gas (petrol) expense.
Surprisingly I was more outgoing than I usually am at new places with new faces. Anyway, the people were very warm. They had several newly declared Bahais in their community and I enjoyed meeting them and hugging them. I was so high on the way home. So happy and then I got back home or work I should say and a headache came on and knocked me down or else I would have written about this yesterday.
Interesting thing, many people from their community had been up here the weekend before attending the Goombay festival. I wish I had known they were all here, I might have tried to see them, but then I remembered I was doing funeral stuff. That was more important.
Ok, NOW I'm gonna go and read. Or maybe I'll get something to eat first.
But if you or someone you know is wanting to eventually get married, I highly, highly recommend this book. I could have been saved some heartache if I had read this book a year ago.
I think. I would hope anyway.
I guess that's all for now. I'm going to get back to my reading!
Oh, but before I do, I also wanted to say how my trip to the nearby town went yesterday.
I went to "a nearby town" about an hour drive from here to visit their Bahai community. I had such a wonderful time. I took my African drum with me and we did drumming and singing and praying to piano music. It moved me to tears. It fed my soul! It was sooooo nice! They do that type of devotional once a month and I plan to try to go every month now, even though it uses a lot of gas for me. I will see if anyone wants to go with me next time and we can maybe share the gas (petrol) expense.
Surprisingly I was more outgoing than I usually am at new places with new faces. Anyway, the people were very warm. They had several newly declared Bahais in their community and I enjoyed meeting them and hugging them. I was so high on the way home. So happy and then I got back home or work I should say and a headache came on and knocked me down or else I would have written about this yesterday.
Interesting thing, many people from their community had been up here the weekend before attending the Goombay festival. I wish I had known they were all here, I might have tried to see them, but then I remembered I was doing funeral stuff. That was more important.
Ok, NOW I'm gonna go and read. Or maybe I'll get something to eat first.
Sunday, 31 August 2008
Up Day
Yesterday was a very nice day. I got to talk to an old friend from my childhood Baha'i summer school days (Nabil). I got to chat online with someone in Australia who has been out on a houseboat trip, though we talked about other stuff and I haven't heard how that went yet. I got my kitchen cleaned, but then dirtied it up by making a pineapple upside down cake for Evan's birthday. I had help from Pookie who I was babysitting because her parents needed some time to process their grief from losing their dog the day before.
I'm going to a nearby town today for a devotional and lunch. It is the Sunday where they sing and do music. I think I'll take my drum. I'm looking forward to this type of meeting which we do not seem to have enough of here in Asheville.
I'm just trying to expand my horizons a bit. Have to be back in time to work for a few hours. Hope I get to vacuum today since I didn't yesterday. Gonna change my sheets, too, I guess when the dog gets off the bed.
New favorite song: "I'm Yours" by Jason Mraz.
I'm going to a nearby town today for a devotional and lunch. It is the Sunday where they sing and do music. I think I'll take my drum. I'm looking forward to this type of meeting which we do not seem to have enough of here in Asheville.
I'm just trying to expand my horizons a bit. Have to be back in time to work for a few hours. Hope I get to vacuum today since I didn't yesterday. Gonna change my sheets, too, I guess when the dog gets off the bed.
New favorite song: "I'm Yours" by Jason Mraz.
Saturday, 30 August 2008
Transformation
I was talking to my counselor this past week and discussed with her that I seem to like transformations. That I seek to improve things almost constantly. That it may be some sort of engineering trait. Some innate thing in me that just enjoys seeing transformations. I guess I'm not the only one based on all the TV shows that feature transformations: Trading Spaces, Curb Appeal, Extreme makeover, Extreme home makeover, etc....
I told her I love decorating and rearranging the furniture. I like improving myself. Working on myself and helping others with their transformations (but I have learned the futility of trying to initiate someone to transform or improve themselves). The desire for personal transformation must come from within a person.
So now I just appreciate it when I observe it in another person rather than feeling like I am responsible for making sure they know where they need work. What do I know? I may THINK I know how someone needs to transform or change, but that is really not for me to do at all or to know even.
It is strange to think I got this realization a few years ago from Madonna of all people. About not judging anyone for how they are (judging as in good or bad) since at any moment they have the potential to change. At ANY moment. One can change from evil to good or good to evil in a moment. And are we really good or evil or do we just do good and evil actions? What is the difference? What makes someone a jerk as opposed to someone who just did a jerky thing? One viewpoint is more judgmental I guess.
Do you see how much I think? I really do think so much. I really ask questions almost constantly. I'm a searcher. Why did she say that? Why did he do that
Where did that come from?
I'm gonna go get a frosty thanks to a friend of mine who got one while we were talking earlier. He didn't even say how good it was or anything. Just said he was getting one. Man!
I told her I love decorating and rearranging the furniture. I like improving myself. Working on myself and helping others with their transformations (but I have learned the futility of trying to initiate someone to transform or improve themselves). The desire for personal transformation must come from within a person.
So now I just appreciate it when I observe it in another person rather than feeling like I am responsible for making sure they know where they need work. What do I know? I may THINK I know how someone needs to transform or change, but that is really not for me to do at all or to know even.
It is strange to think I got this realization a few years ago from Madonna of all people. About not judging anyone for how they are (judging as in good or bad) since at any moment they have the potential to change. At ANY moment. One can change from evil to good or good to evil in a moment. And are we really good or evil or do we just do good and evil actions? What is the difference? What makes someone a jerk as opposed to someone who just did a jerky thing? One viewpoint is more judgmental I guess.
Do you see how much I think? I really do think so much. I really ask questions almost constantly. I'm a searcher. Why did she say that? Why did he do that
Where did that come from?
I'm gonna go get a frosty thanks to a friend of mine who got one while we were talking earlier. He didn't even say how good it was or anything. Just said he was getting one. Man!
Friday, 29 August 2008
Starting Over
Hello Dear Ones,
If you are up to date you will know that I have created this blog because of having an unwanted reader and I did not want to make this hard for you to get to by making it available only to people I choose because it would add an extra step for you. So, please do not add this blog to your own blog links. I want it available only to people I know. We'll see how long this lasts.
I did not want to delete my other blog because I like re-reading some of my posts. But this is where the new stuff will be now, so create a new bookmark for Lynn's blog if you wish to visit easily any time you want. I think there is a way for you to subscribe to this (see below) if you want an automatic notice when I update my blog. I don't know if I have any control over who can subscribe or not. I don't think so.
I need to hit the sack. It took me a while to get this new one going.
If you are up to date you will know that I have created this blog because of having an unwanted reader and I did not want to make this hard for you to get to by making it available only to people I choose because it would add an extra step for you. So, please do not add this blog to your own blog links. I want it available only to people I know. We'll see how long this lasts.
I did not want to delete my other blog because I like re-reading some of my posts. But this is where the new stuff will be now, so create a new bookmark for Lynn's blog if you wish to visit easily any time you want. I think there is a way for you to subscribe to this (see below) if you want an automatic notice when I update my blog. I don't know if I have any control over who can subscribe or not. I don't think so.
I need to hit the sack. It took me a while to get this new one going.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)