Nothing to say

It is strange to think that I feel like I have nothing to say. Yet, I am writing anyway. I am envious of Mary having 4 days off in a row. Though I don't work 12 hour days or even more than 3 eight hour days a week, I do have some work almost every day even if just a few hours. And I haven't had a week off in years or at least it feels that way. As opposed to not having a job at all I can't complain though. I have missed my last two watercolor classes. Week before last it was because I was headed over there after work and as I was driving out of the parking lot here I suddenly just felt so exhausted that the thought of arriving in class late and setting up in the middle of everybody already being there and the teacher in the middle of a lesson, just made me turn around and come right back. (It was an introvert moment).

Then, this past Monday I was feeling about the same, but I went over there anyway and got into the class (there were no tables left, though I was invited to share one with someone, but the lesson was a still life where tedious drawing was going to be involved and I just couldn't mentally handle it (felt like I would burst out crying in the middle of class) so I just picked up my stuff and came home.

Going to counseling right after work is one thing, but having to do something difficult after a long day at work and no time for dinner before just isn't a good combination for me.

Then, last night I realized I had a credit card bill that was due that day and it took me an hour to get it paid and sorted out (from 11pm to midnight) so that I didn't incur a late fee. Long story about setting up an online acct to pay it and having difficulties because I was using Mozilla instead of Internet "Exposure" as the Indian tech called it at first. That was part of the problem too...automated systems and not being able to talk to a live person...HUGE PET PEEVE of mine.

Broke down and cried during THAT procedure....Hunter took pity on me (that or he was in a hurry to get online himself) and helped me a little.

Today, Friday checked my email and discovered I had missed my haircut appt yesterday. I am so scattered! I can't keep anything straight anymore! Well, things at work, yes, but things at home?....I am just so tired at the end of a day (mostly mentally) that I just don't want to do more business or work.

I miss having someone to share the load.....
And it seems when I do get someone interested in me they are not helpful at all but needy and I just don't have it to give (even to myself).

I missed calling Dad on his birthday...So sorry Dad! I did think of you, but couldn't call right then and then spaced it out. Not really like me to be so spacey. I need more R&R.

Feeling like withdrawing again. I talked to a friend who is a marriage and family therapist for two hours on Sunday (Jackie Hicks Najafian says hi to Mary and Bonnie!) and it was helpful in a lot of ways. She says it sounds like I still have much healing to do. I think I agree. Though I don't remember EVER feeling like I've had my act together, I hope that one day I will. It is a process (yes, everyone says "that's life!" but it is harder for some people than others simply because of their wiring). Every once in a while I don't feel like life is a huge struggle, but most days it is difficult to pull myself out of bed to take care of another family to keep their life running smoothly when I don't have the energy after that to even relax.

In about an hour I will be going to the high school to pick up Chase (missing the one show I look forward to watching, literally). I enjoyed watching him march and dance tonight at the pregame ceremonies for the homecoming game. I feel such immense pride for his accomplishments and such admiration for his character. All my kids are most excellent human beings.

Now, if I could just see as much positive in myself as I do them.....