Safety

It's important to recognize that interrupting codependent behavior requires that you define yourself and your wants. So many people scramble to fill the empty hole within, by focusing on the care-taking of others while ignoring themselves. So where does someone begin, to build their own identity? Fill the emptiness with more and more layers of authenticity. Risk disagreement which makes things more interesting. Practice the truth with your therapist or your best friend. Stop swallowing your real opinions, choose when to go along, instead of always being a pushover.

Growing up is learning to move from external supports to creating true internal strength. Determine your own curiosities as a beginning to learning more about your own wants. Understand the differences between yourself and someone else (whether it is mother, lover, sister, or best friend). Speak up and make sure you are one of the balls you juggle in life, instead of leaving yourself out.

It is worth repeating: The best cure for codependence is authentic disagreement.

Healthy conflict is not a betrayal of trust and niceness as is so often believed in this culture. Healthy conflict keeps dialogue intact and trust can build based on a more real relationship. The work of understanding differences is worth it.

Those who are codependent are very afraid of being alone; there is a scramble to stuff someone else into the emptiness within when a relationship breaks up. People who are codependent mistake enmeshment for love and can’t bear to be without it. We should all recognize the old saying “you can’t love someone else unless you love yourself” as true. Being alone is one way to learn how to love yourself. Face your fears and try learning to enjoy life alone without the safety factor of a built-in partner.

Give up the people-pleasing and hiding behind the false 150 watt smile. Risk more disagreement. Be willing to not be liked instead of being a chameleon. There was a sign in my husband’s office for his sales people that rings true: “25% of the people like you, 25% of the people don’t like you, and 50% are indifferent.” Keep this refreshing perspective in mind and learn to live with the reality.

Ultimately, people who are codependent have done themselves the greatest injustice by losing track of who they are. Pay attention to being annoyed. Underneath feeling grumpy is a buried want that you are ignoring and swallowing too easily. Speak up to undo the legacy of codependency.

All of the above is from an article I read. My question is how does one do this if one doesn't feel safe to do it? How do I retrain my brain not to go into anxiety mode if I feel I am displeasing someone? Now, I don't have the exact same response about displeasing everyone, just some people and just sometimes. I feel like I am conditioned to react with anxiety under certain circumstances and I don't know why. I want to not feel anxious, but I cannot help it. It just happens no matter what self-talk I do. I feel like hypnosis could help, if I believed in it. I am almost 50 and haven't broken from this yet.