Death

Do you ever wonder? One of my enneagrams is thinker or questioner. I think it is my number one trait. I sometimes wonder why certain things happen certain ways. Perception and perspective are all relative. So, here are some ironic things for me recently. First, maybe it is because I am getting older so my friends are older and the people we know are older, etc, but I am more aware of many people I know who have cancer and many who are dying or have died recently. More than at any other time in my life. I already mentioned in an older post on my other blog about all the people I know who have some serious illness. In July, a Bahai I had known since I was a child passed away from complications of diabetes. I attended his memorial service. Several weeks later, maybe a month, the step-father of a dear friend passed away. I attended his funeral. The next weekend, the people I work for had their old dog put down. I got to say goodbye to him just a few minutes before and then took care of the daughter that weekend while the rest of the family grieved. Four days later, this past Tuesday, another dear friend of mine's father passed away. Then my car starts dying while I drive it. I also need new tires. I call the tire guy about tires and he asks me what size, so I pull off the road and park in front of the home of a friend nearby who is not home. While I am looking on the door to see my tire size I hear a noise behind me and turn around to see a rabbit fleeing a cat. The rabbit spastically jumps off the bank onto the road and flops around trying to get away. I wonder if it has broken its leg from the jump. I feel bad for the rabbit, but don't know what I can do. The cat disappears. I manage to follow the rabbit and get close enough to see that it has been injured on its neck. Most likely it is dying. I cry. I don't know what I should do if anything. It is a wild animal. Should I let nature take its course? Was I there to intervene, or was I there just to witness? What is the lesson? I left in tears. Left God to take care of it. Thursday I went to "the wake" for my friend's father. Friday, my car is still dying and I cannot go to work. Saturday, while cleaning the Baha'i Center, I find a dead hummingbird on the floor in our meeting room. I guess it had gotten in somehow and couldn't get out. Once again, I cried. I cry a lot these days.
So, I wonder. I wonder why I am being exposed to so much death and grief and pain so much right now. What is the lesson?

Maybe I am supposed to get the message that I am supposed to die. I don't mean my body, though I have felt sad enough recently to wish it so. I posted those thoughts briefly on my old blog. Took them off right away. I mean literally a minute didn't elapse before I removed it. Didn't really want anyone to worry about me.

No, I think my "self" needs to die. My insistent self. My ego, in other words. Did you know that is one of the hardest things to kill? One of the hardest things to let go of? One of the hardest things to surrender? I wonder if I can do it? I feel like I have been trying for years. Have not had success yet. How long will it take? It is not going without a fight. I believe I will not have true peace until I do. Until I release myself from self.

Is writing about myself, self-centered? Should I stop writing? Stop blogging? How do I stop thinking about myself yet take care of myself? These are all rhetorical questions. I am not asking for answers from anyone, though comments are welcome. Just don't feel like you have to respond just because I am asking questions. They are things I ponder. Maybe you do, too.

If I think about it, I am actually sick and tired of my self. It is depressing. Self consumes too much of my time and energy. Unproductive use of time and energy. Gonna keep trying to replace it with thoughtfulness of others.

Well, wish me luck!